last night out

I'd hate to put the captions but i know the picture says it all. For Saya's last night out in singapore. Everything was worth it. It's all too priceless for me. More pictures i have but I'm afraid that if i add up the whole story, it'll loose some sort of touch to it. So this pictures i chose are some goode highlights.

drink like a fish yaww

So this past few days i've been spending time with Saya before she leaves for Canada forever. And what have i been doing with her? Drinking like a fish. Seriously. But I never got drunk. Although Stef said i did today, at around 4.30+ because he said i was speaking gibberish. So Wednesday was lunch at coffee club with herself and stef, then Lavanya came along, and then we took neos and had drinks at the balcony. Bought a pair of shoes and dress.

Then on thursday, i promised Saya i'd go clubbing with her. So there i met her 2 friends, Alexa & Ava, they live at Sentosa Cove. How fucking cool is that! Was at M.o.S, socialise with Alexa's friends whom were strangely all British. But I had fun with those bitches! Derrick aka Tech 1 was there! Mizan, Teddy, Wan and errr people whose name i forgot. Drank like no tomorrow....Whooot. Had a good lady's night with them. And Stef was a sweet tart, in the whee hours of the morning at 4 am, he picked me up. -beams-

leaving and never coming back again

Everyone is leaving. Why can't we all just stay, stay and play on this island and pretend nothing bad would ever happend?

No amount of whisky, no amount of crying, no amount of coffee, no amount of alcohol could cure up this sad heart.

Screw goodbyes, this is just our hellos

Because of how the smiles on our faces are priceless,
the pictures says it all. I need not blog about my day.

p.s=W15D look out for your hotmail or your student mail. I'll be sending you my personal messages each! (:

with love,

erika

if something is amiss; you gotta find it

Sem 1 is going to be over in 24 hours time.
I've got a round about of 21 days of holiday before I enter into semester 2. I work 11 days this holiday, 21-11=10 days of free time. Leaving the beginning and the end of the of the holidays to be free with. I've got 22 things that NEEDS to be done before sem 2 starts. It just hit me that I might not even have time. Good Golly. /: I kinda dread looking at my planner now because it gives me a rush, and no it's not that hot sensation of hot love, but rather the rush of my neurones speeding around my nervous systems.

I had this conversation with my mother over dinner and I was hinting to her that both she and my father has yet to give me a birthday present.
Me: You guys still haven't given me anything for this year's birthday present.
Mom: I can give it to you end of this year.
Me: That's what you did last year, I didn't get anything in the end!
Mom: That course we paid and that trip to Japan!
Me: THAT was a present? That was SHIPPING Naomi & I for summer school!
Mom: Ok ok ok, what do you want then?
Me: -stares at both my parents- then again, i don't know WHAT I want, i've got everything I could ever asked for.
Mom: See. We give you everything,
Me: Why did i ever bother sometimes..

So why isit that i'm missing something? It's a feeling i'm missing. I just know it.

happy olympics day

I missed cognitive.
I flew out of the bus, thanks to some crazy & heartless TIBS bus-driver.
My right leg is now swollen and sprained.
I walk like Frodo the Hobbit from LOTR. (Lord Of The Ring)
I helped Stef set up his wardrobe from Ikea!
I miss my class. sigh.

er one word: random
but
Happy OLYMPICS day!

Thank you for loving me

My fellow human beings, you know the funny thing about love is? Or aka thhe whole principle of attraction. I can go on and on and maybe discuss the role of pheromones, dopamine and biological instincts, but none of this can come close to explaining the way i feel for one boy, Stefanus Tan. And all i know i feel is that we fit somehow, and it feels like i'd spent most of my life traveling a path that lead inexorably to him.

Well, to sum it all up, it's because i have never quite met another human who could be the exact opposite of me, in terms of almost ,well, everything. Yet ironically i can dare to say i love him. And although we've thrown words at each other like flying daggers, I can dare to say that he's been the damn most best-est thing that can happen to me, like some beautiful disaster that occured. It's like you know you don't deserve this kinda love, but this person chooses to love you and only you! And because of that very unbelievable fact, you sometimes choose to be a skeptic and not to believe it or just take it as hard to believe it. And so you do all sorts of weird things, you become all so self-centered and ignorant. And that's how i feel with Stef. (:

P.s: Don't ever, not even for a second, think that you're not good enough, believe me when i say, you're the best thing that's ever happend to me.

The Wisdom Guru

Time: 10.41 am
Location: The Coffee Bean, J8
Weather: Bright and sunny side up just like my eggs
Mood: Content and think-y.

So it's obvious that i skipped school if any of you noticed the bit on location. Dressed in my levi's, mng tank, shawl and flip flops, i've decided to blog about the many things that will come to my mind. And i'll try to make it as interesting and readable.

So good morning world, i swear i'm feeling so many things, mostly it's nothing to do with my emotions but rather my cognitive point of view. You see on the way here to the Bean, i was thinking of how much japanese-y i am. If many of you aren't too sure of my blood, well I'm actually HALF-chinese & HALF-japanese. So no wonder my last name, Erika Shimada. Well back to my point, you see, I've been staying in Singapore for what it may seem like forever, and there were many points that I hope that I won't loose contact of the Japanese side of me, so whoopee for the gains that I now, on my 18th year, I have switched to a Singapore Citizenship which means i'm no longer holding a Japanese passport, i felt sad. I did. But don't get gme wrong, please gooodness me don't, I'm proud to be half blooded each, but i did felt like i was letting go of something which is part of me after so long. But then again, hit me on the head with a brick, it's just a passport, no biggy. On another whole, as long as my character will invariently speak for itself, i'll still be the japanese inside of me.

With that, i'd jump on education prosepectus. I'm not too sure how many of you out there are happy at where you're at now, as for me, in Rp doing a diploma in arts management eeps me all smiles. And i just pray to God that i'll get into the University of New York. or if not, studying uni here locally is all fine by me. But other than that, I hope you're at where you at because you want to be and not letting the grades affect you that much in anyway, if you're happy studying overseas because you know you can't make it here, well, i hope you're happy ayy? and if you're doing a private degree/diploma, i still hope you're happy, And if you're at jc, well then again, i hope it's what you wanted to do and hope you're still happy. Because how you want to move and how fast is all up to you and it's up to your own capacity too. And education wise is all up to you too, make your own mistakes, don't be studying things because your parents ask you too but rather because you want to do them and be happy with it. Make your own mistakes, no one will no failure untill you experience it, and heck with the "Learn From Other People's Mistakes" That's utter bull shit and I HAVE never learnt from other people's mistakes, i only gain a head, that doesn't mean i've grown a brain. Because what is there to learn when there's no lesson to begain with in the first place? Have fun living your life my fellow human beings. (: I wish you all well.

Erika Shimada.

I know it's kinda late, BUT, happy birthday

I always have all the fun that I want. (:

Happy 20th Birthday, Stef my babykins!
Happy Birthday, Shermooo!

one day of being snow white

I have never slept for one full day before. But it feels oh so good. (:
I usually hate to go to the docters, but i was forced by my parents, Nisha and Stef to go. AND they said they'll kill me if i step into school because they want me to rest. So there you have it, my ass at home sleeping.(:

the bloody virus called hypocrisy

Ok maybe it might the virus that is overtaking my body but i'm STILL feeling like a piece of shit.
And sure, to make things worst I'm being pestered by many many people on msn. And one word to describe it; HYPOCRISY.
And not to mention the smallest details that are adding up to the irritation can't seem to make things any better.

But still, it might just be the virus. Which is being a fucking whore.

fried brains and fried bars

I am feeling numb.
I am feeling lethargic.
I am not in class. But am in school.
I am feeling like a piece of shit.
I am feeling exhausted.
I am going no where.

all i've seen and all i've known kept here in the pages alone

You & I, and our secret diary. (:

Love is not just a feeling

It's amazing, how I found someone whom I love and loves me back. Because there came a point in my life that the "life" i lead would forever define me as who i was and "love" would just play the dramatic, the spicy bit in it. And we knew that we had to let each other in although it might hurt. But who knew that love would actually grab hold of me and slowly change me out of my hermit shell and make me feel all elementary puppy love again? Not till i met him.
& he is just not the any type of Tom, Dick, Harry, James, John, Luke you think it is. He is someone who can move me in the most sentimental & dramatic way. But it feels so good, for each touch that i feel on his skin makes me get a closer touch to a future with a life that could change me forever. & there he is, holding me from behind and always making sure I get on to the other side of the road, making damn sure i don't fall and always looking back making sure i'm behind and i never let go of his hand.
& he always hugged me so tight, although i choke sometimes, but his hug was the tightest and it always told me something, "i never wanna let you go & i'm not going anywhere". He always made calmed me down whenever i would almost tip over to hysteria or freak out and he always made sure i would go home or go to bed with a smile and never with a tear on my face.

But there were those horrid temper of his and foul words that could make me cry at times and get me really mad. And no doubt there were times where we wanted to do like the above fella. However, staying mad at you for a prolong period of time is something that could never happen for me, for i found it so hard to stay mad at you for too long, and with that sometimes i hate how much i could love you so much.

So it's slowly starting to piece up to a picture i can envision at last. But unexplainable things not even science can tell why things are so much better when I'm with him. And i can't help but pray with each passing day that I could be the very woman for him to last a love that says "a love that will last". And to keep this secret with myself, I want it badly too. For maybe he could be the one whom I can built an empire with for being that succesful man he is, I want to be and I will be that woman standing behind him, come what may. All beacause we're in this T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R & yes it means, bearing him a family and someone i wanna grow old & wrinkly with. & all it takes is a faith of a mustardseed to move mountains. (:

But although life is like a teabag at times...
And we maybe young & crazily in love, but he....really is special. And the feeling of love I feel for someone is no longer just an emotion, but an ability.

So Stef Tan,
I just want you to know this but;

"I know some people search the world,
To find something like what we have.
I know some people would try to divide something so real,
So till the end of time I'm telling you there aint no one.

But no one, no one, no one,
can get in the way of what i'm feeling.
no one, no one, no one,
can get in the way of what i'm feeling for you"

Forever yours,
Erika.

utter random

Sometimes I sit in the bus and stare out the window and wonder how did things get better when I'm with you?

Yet sometimes when we walk along the streets of orchard, i want to do this to you :

what love really is & not the cliche movie lines

Love. I always thought it was about giving & receiving. But only a day back did Shafiq tell me that love is not only just that but it's giving selflessly because you WANT to. Ironic as it may sound, but he is right, I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually learnt a lesson or 2 from him that day over ice-cream at Cold Rock, Holland V.

Love is when you buy him/her the ben & jerry's phish & chips ice-cream because she/he is craving for it or is feeling upset although you think it's ridiculously overpriced just for a tub of ice cream but anything to see the smile. It's about coming down to his/her school with lunch you've made for him/her although it took you 3 hours to decently cook it & clean the stove, but you do it because it's his/her favourite meal. It's the way you'll give up a day of watching a soccer match or a day of shopping just to accompany him/her to do something he/she is wanting to do most although you might dislike it, but you do it still because you want to spend time with your love one and. Love is about doing things willingly and not because you are ASKED to do it willingly but with no nagging, no second thoughts & no doubts, you WANT to!

I know that life is a major bitch especially when you're living around this town & things don't get better when you look at your watch and realise you ONLY have 24 hours NOT 38. So you try to do more because you think that if you do, less will be neede to be done, but a rude awakening, it's still there. & maybe there are things that we can't help it, & that....that's ok. Because I realise that honesty is a must, and I've GOT to trust if i'm not with you. So we should respect one another, and respect us, I'm hoping I'm everything you need and you wish for and then you'll find in me they way you show that you care and love, when you're not with me then you'll know that aint nowhere i belong.

and i can do whatever i want like you

I just finshed penning down the last match date of this month on to my planner. I just closed a window of a msn conversation I had with Amanda. I just closed another window of a friend's blog. And then I just flipped through July's pages of my diary planner. And then I just closed a window of a junior's friendster profile. I just laughed my ass off at an email sent to my student outlook. (Re: student's attire. It's ridiculous & very very ludacris like. )

Drama always happens. & with that shit happens, all the time. Amanda was right, how i can only look back on the past and think to myself how things can be hard to go back the way it was. People change & once they do they can be another 'oh she use to go to the same school with me. period'. & sad thing is, slowly, i don't even recognise this faces anymore. But remember this, you can do whatever you want to do to them.So Amanda, it is not entirely your fault, it's theirs too.

hot N cold sauce

I wanted to paste some a set of lyrics down, but after re-reading the entire lyrics, I figured it out that Stef would shoot me down.

So check on my list, I quit my job! But on the negative list, i got no dough to spend. So if i can balance out some sort of equation there, God help me! So amazingly, I actually sat down and study for enterprise UT test last wednesday, but crap was it the next day when I HAD to be a minute late which caused me to panic which then caused me to forget everything.

Nonetheless, i took time on saturday to go for St Marg's Primary school fun-fair, YEAS...Then which was Stef's game that evening then dinner at my place. Ah YEAS. AH you know what, to hell if he shoots me down, but I'm going to post the lyrics anyway! So i present to you: Katy Perry-Hot N Cold.

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Crypticly
I should know
That you're no good for me

{CHORUS}
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up(you)You don't really want to stay, no(but you)
But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

For Demin

I'm sorry if i never kissed you like i said i would,
I'm sorry if i never danced with you like i said i could.
I'm sorry if i never replied to your messages when i should.
I'm sorry that i didn't believe in you when you said you liked me.
I'm sorry that i just treated you like a friend since primary school.
I'm sorry that i'm saying sorry.
I'm sorry that i can only see you some day and not now.
I'm sorry that the last time i can only see you is on the funeral deathbead.

colorful monster where are you

She's screaming, he's fighting back, she's crying, and here i am feeling so numb.

As I sit back on my chair, and close my eyes and replayed every word she said to me, I breathed it all in but i sighed a relief that has never made me feel so empty right down to my tummy inside. And gently, i let the tears on my powdered cheeks wash away the color and let it fall on to the ground. -THUD- that horrid sound it makes cutting my every vein inside.

Mom, i'm glad you weren't there at the birthday dinner, my birthday dinner, because having you around, always kinda make things a little worst. And now i'm tearing inside because i regretted everything i said, and i wish i could take it all back. Here i am at 18, growing a little older, my brain getting a littler wiser. Yet I can't believe the words you lashed out on me to this day. It seems like i'll never be good enough for will, the flawless, perfect daughter that your other friends have, but did you know something? They're not that perfect too. Because you don't know every fucking lie that is kept inside, and one day if you hear the stories, think back and look back and you can tell yourself, 'thank god, she's alive'.

You use to be someone whom i look up too. You use to be someone i thought i might want to be. But no, i can't and i will never be. Because even I don't think you grew up to be that woman you want to be. So i ask, if you're really happy with yourself and where you're at now? Are you happy with your marraige? Are you happy with your kids? Are you happy with your life? Are you even proud of us? So I made a promise with myself, and a prayer with God, that when I grow up, I'll NEVER be like you and I'll NEVER be that person whom you want me to become.

Aunty Linda was right, when she told me that since birth, you guys didn't know how to handle and be the job of a 'parent'. Even till this day, you were never there when i got scared or when i needed help, even if you did ,you just yelled and screamed at me. You were never there to watch me perform in any of the dance fair or take pictures with me and the girls. You were never there to be by my side and cheer me on. Because of you, I thank God i went through hell. You were all that I could ever imagine and I hope to be, but you grew to be just another faceless identity to me.

So next week, you'll be flying off for yet another week and a half, don't call me, don't buy me anything, don't say a word, don't utter a breathe, don't look at me. Because even after you come back, i'll still hope that maybe one day you really come back for real this time and take a good look at yourself.

Then you can finally ask yourself, why the mess?

And with that, I wish you all the best, I'll be just fine, some how, some way. I'll be,
WITHOUT your help.
your daughter, erika.

married at 21

You know what sucks? Finding out that a relative of yours got married and he/she didn't tell you. Leonard Ow, has been family since the day before I was born, but to save the details, I'm glad to say that he's grown to the man that he feels he's contented with. Humble and all. But most importantly, the day he got married. A husband.

Now although the wedding was abrupt, and no one from his dad's side knew about it. Shell-shocked. Many were, due to some family reasons that i shall not state. But whatever it was, I'm happy for the both of them. For Leo, she's a flawless beauty that has changed you so much. And no matter what the reasons are, i hope the love between the both of you will burn for yet another 1000 years. And with that, Anna, most importantly, welcome to the family. (:

Lucky fruit-cake. This kid is only 11 and he's wearing ralph lauren.

if it were ever mine, it'd be ours.
if it were ever ours, it'd be you and I.
if it were ever thine, it'd be more than just forever.
erika.

to a friend, to a lover

the first, and the last

It's all to amazing. It really is. How someone, and not just anyone, but someone the least i expected to call on my own could turn out to be the very next big thing for me. For many of you who knew how my whole of last year, could have been what you called, wasted, can actually wake me and shake me up to my senses that i could actually learn to fall in love all over again.

It's just all too prodigious!
He's the first to yell and cry infront of me infront of a some few passer-bys, because he cares.
He's the first to message my legs and my toe because he says it's his way of showing his affection.
He's the first to pray for me and with me and infront of me.
He's the first boy whom i'm finally falling so very in love for the first time in a longest time.

tongiht i wanna cry

Because of how my character can invariently speak for itself, i, thus, have nothing to say. But it hit me in the back of my mind today, suddenly, on my way long, cold and rainy bus journey home, why we ever begained in the very first place? So i opened a history folder and took a look at the conversation of our first meet. It made me laugh and smile at some bits, till it got deeper to the soccer bit, something about a footballer's need, ego and passion. Then you asked for my email add, our long convos about almost....well everything. And you flirted, really, you did. You were smoove. Talking about wanting to come to my place to send me breakfast just to see my face. But to put it into a nutshell, it was all good, the history of our conversation really made me smile. And i do admit it, i do read it every now and then, I call it reminensce-of-history-porn.

Till I read today's convo and i simply wanted to bang my head on the table. Because I'm starting to belive that somewhere along the way, i might have made a terrible mistake. So tonight i think i want to cry.

The world is going to an end is what i said when i woke up and realised i turned 18.

Turning 18 and I just felt like i left another world and into another. Now many of you might find this weird, but really, the first thing I woke up and said on my birthday was "SHIT, I'm 18. I am so fucking scared of my future.' Yea well go figure. Because I REALLY am scared of the future. And i know you're all thinking, 'Silly girl, scared for the future for whatever for?' Now I can't explain and fathom why the fear that was instilled in me, but maybe when you get it too, you can understand why. And now I don't usually do this, BUT i went to another church on my birthday...with stefanus of course. In fact, I went to HIS church, and it's the church where my small aunt had her holy matrimony at, ORC Presbyterian church. And the day spent, left me falling asleep with a contented and blessed heart and smile. I really can't ask for more. I've been terribly blessed all my life, i just never knew i was.

But pics galore, here's what my peeps and Stef got for me the day i turned 18!

From the girls (Laveena, Maimunah, Fariza):

Yea, crayons, hair-tie, bangles, a note-book, color pencils, bookmark, 2 files, letters, handphone strap, candies, underwear, birthday banner, earrings, letter. HAHAHA. It left me gushing and laughing silly like in secondary school. Oh wait, it was just last year.

From the class:

I'm no angel, but i can defitnetly make you smile though. I think.

From Hui-Wen(Fiaz's gf) and Fiaz:

Ok actually, there's a flower hair-tie, in purple, a pink polka dotted handkerchief, and a chopstick, and now for that house you see. I thought initially it was a doll house. Till i saw a wire attached to it. Little did i realise it turned out to be like this:

From Stefanus:

JIM THOMPSON BAG! And CLINIQUE'S-HAPPY fragrance. Haha. His gift for me for my 18th birthday this year. And my very first gift from him.

Well and that's my 18th birthday this year. Here's to another exciting year of drama and happiness. Happy birthday erika. Happy birthday to you.

Moment I saw you cry

Tonight, I fell for you all over again.
Tonight, I saw beauty, fear, love, peace, eternity, destiny, hope in your eyes.
Today I saw you cried.
Today you poured out all your emotions to me.
Tonight you told me you love me so much.

And today, I'm tellin you that I love you.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love--women like to be a man's last romance."Oscar Wilde

so anyway what a birthday

Ok for a moment, i almost forgot that it was my birthday this sunday. Yea i know. I can actually forget that my birthday is actually coming. But really i wonder what kind of birthday would i have again this year? I'm turning 18 in about 3 days time and again i asked myself the same question that I've been consequtively asking myself for the past 6 years, 'exactly what do i want for my birthday this year?'

I'm terribly blessed with a family, friends, boyfriend, food, luxuries, education and the list goes on and on. But why do i still feel that something is missing still? You know you have everything and everything seems to be neatly and perfectly in place but why is it that you feel that something is amiss still? But please don't asking me that it's probably i need to find a purpose in life, when i am still trying to find that purpose still.

Maybe it's my cocky period that i'm having that is probably making feel that way. Or maybe not. Aiya i don't know la.

digitss

It's 1.56am. I need to wake up as early as 5.30 am tomorrow and report to school by 7 and run through the whole even till 3 pm. And then I have to go down for Sengkang's game which starts at 5 pm. Later which God knows where we're gonna eat.

And then a week of 'un-happening' things happened. Work, 3 days straight 11am-10pm. Mon, Tues, Wed.
Then class BBQ at pasir ris park but i have to be there by 12.30pm, just cause the damn receipt is under my name & ic. And then Father's/Birth day. Which leaves me Thurs and Fri free.God those digits.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Because i need you tonight more than i need anybody else.
Because i want to be right next to you, body, mind and soul.
Because i want to feel your touch against mine.
Because i want to hear your voice telling me that "I'll never go anywhere and I'll love you for all time".
Because i want to be where you are oh-so-fucking badly.
Because i want you to be my soundtrack of my love.
Because i want you to be my thunder.
Because i want to cry infront of you.
Because I want you now more than i want anybody else.
Because i need you now.

a visit to the past and present.

You know i can't exactly find the reasons why i had to take the escalator up to the skate park and just to see if you're there. But why the curosity? Because i hoped you'd be there anyway. Wan JB, it's no wonder how we our friendship is like this from lovers to friends i finally knew why all good things come to an end. But don't get me wrong at all please, you're a sweet favourite of my past. So even if our formalities are the punching of our knuckles, at least i know we're still acknowledging each other. And at least i know you're alive. You look swell today, and forever. So well i'll see you around somehow.

My love, i know the match sucked. The score was horrid, the injuries were painful to the muscle, the thought of having your term papers tomorrow onwards just have to top it all off. But have you ever realised that i'm and i'll be still here no matter what? You are so dear to me and i'd do anything to keep you and make you happy for that smile on your face is absolutely all i need to see. And even if you never ask, you know i still give. Because love is all about giving and receiving, and for you my love, i'm pouring all my love for you and only you.

(OK, i know the pics are crappy and corny. )

Things money can't buy

New shoes to replace heels: $9.90
Food: $16.60
Transport: $4.20
Gala premier: No ID+ Bad bad bad fags/faggots
Total: $30.60



Time spent with Stefanus and new found friends: Absolutely Priceless.



(Ok and no i'm not trying to promote any cards that are of masters, visa, amex or whatsoever)

but i had had had to post this down incase i'll ever forget and make up some feeble excuse that i'm tired. Yesterday was absolutely a day where i can say i spent time with my boyfriend. From bickering at Lerk Thai till the entrance of GV. It was all so surreal. You know sometimes i even ask myself how we even begained in the first place, but after last night i know why, more or less. (: He's that best damn thing that happened to me, that new refreshment, that sweetness of a chocolate bar. And this time round, i'm not afraid to say that i'm falling for him.

Summer holidays

It's the last week of school, things are looking up. Way up and up. Stef just passed me this baby photo of him, so i decided to go stick into my planner. Summer holidays. Class bbq. Summer holidays. Work. Summer Holidays. and not forgetting my birthday. and SUMMER HOLIDAYS!

that big THUD

I am all that you can think of at once. Today was a "Daddy and Erika" and dad started telling me about my opinions if we were to migrate, again. And the very first person that came to my mind was you S. And i thought i had a happy day, although again, dad made me think so much that u am beginning to see the whole world at a different view now. So unlike of dad, but like dad like DAUGHTER. Yea. And bringing me to Botak Jones for dinner and sharing a glass of margarita felt so so so over the world. Till i received message that sent my heart straight to the ground like i how dropped a slosh of tomato sauce to the ground, that bad i tell you, that big 'THUD' on that ground will haunt me to my sleep, just for tonight.

S, i have nothing to say because if you're gonna break my heart well i already knew it right from the start. So i'm gonna give you this headstart, hurry leave,before you break my heart.

happy birthday

Happy birthday Nisha! (: Well to be exact your birthday was on Sunday! And Fariza, a long overdue post for you. Happy 18th birthday to both of you girls! You guys have brought nothing but smiles, laughter, briyani, tears, tandori chicken, worksheets, curd vadai and not forgetting love to me.

Nisha, you've been my first friend I made in secondary school and i could never ask for a better best friend than you ever since. This is offcially our 6th year of being best friends and i can't wait till it turns to a 16th, 26th and the other years to come! (: To you, to me, to us. Thanks for being my one and only bestfriend.[:

Save the trees. But don't throw my memories

Ugh. For the first time in a longest time, I did my first 'test' of the year. Sure does it bring back memories of having those test that i use to have back in school where tables would be seperated, and after staring blankly at the paper and trying to write down a feeble answer besides the question numbers, i would sit still awhile, and stare into space like i am catching spasm in the air. Oh how I would curse and swear at the teachers for wasting what seems to be like a hecatre of trees. Those poor poor trees. Not a single one managed to withstand our chemical ink on them. And i wonder if we were all trees, would we end up like the fate of the trees?

how do you love yet not feel like a piece of shit?

How do you love yet not feel like a piece of shit? My insanities have sure lead me to my own quagmire of doubt and uncertainty. I am exhausted off of my own emotions, I feel so much yet i can't seem to form a logical and proper sentence online, on the phone and on my mouth. So can somebody fucking pass me the torch? I've been a puppet to my own emotions. I'm sick and tired of trying to make things right yet feeling like a totoal piece of shit, in this case, i'm talking about giving up.

i miss you so much that it hurts.

I have have have to say this, although cleary i should be paying attention to other people's presentation. I can't. Because it kills me inside and i squirm and sigh with a faint heart. For i long this feeling. Ok so i was browsing through friendster and i came across a certain bulletin. Now i'm not someone who usually reads the bulletein from friendster but the message kinda got me.
The title was 'what every girl wants?'

But on another note, can somebody explain things to me? Because you have to pardon me for my ailing heart. I'm missing you so badly, more than before. And it does hurts to know that we're both standing on something so shallow, because we're so safe. And my question was so simple, either you want me or you don't? I know you want ample time to slowly get to know each other, and I should respect that. But forgive me again for I don't know why I'm acting this way.

I'm telling myself NOT to miss your nor to think about you, and i succeed each time. But when i walked out of class today, i smelt your cologne and i hurridly turned around to see if you could be here by surprise. But what was worst off was when i was alone on the way home, i couldn't help but think about you and slowly wonder to myself and count down the days till i see you again.

happy earth day

happy earth day y'all.

may peace be a question to us all.

And I thought what i did was correct, just because I was sure of it and i was affirmative. But no, the long bus journey had to made me pause. But no I had to make up mind right there and then. Well, maybe he'll get it right next time. Just maybe. But i am sorry if i treated you like a friend all along.

run people run

I think since i bring the lappy almost everyday for the next 3 years in poly. I think i'll be blogging more regularly then i'll ever be. And did i mention, how i think loosing weight is gonna be shit easy at school? Lunch is from 12 to 2.30, BUT, the ENTIRE and i mean the ENTIRE school is having lunch. So you can imagine more than a thousand students, running down to get grub. And there's no place to sit!

So i'm not the best artist in the world, and that tiny red dot is me, saying HELP. But trust me it's worst than the drawing itself. Mark me i say!

Yo drama.

I went for the first day of orientation, i skipped the second and the third. I think the class that i am in is pretty kinda ok? I haven't gotten to know everyone yet. But that's pretty cool. So far the names i remember start with R, P and A. 2 Malay, 1 Taiwanese. Hey, at least i remembered their names start with an Alphabet i remembered.

And just yesterday, over a sneak out I had out to Mt Faber Park, i realized i want to give up on so many things, for I am afraid it will slowly devour me causing unintentional hurtful emotions. These past few days, I know that i should give up what I'm doing. He suspects it, they know it, I should do it.

With my mind gently pressed at the speed of drama, i shall welcome it all. So welcome drama.

Ok i checked the time, 9.24.
Less then 12 hours, imma gonna be in my new school with new faces. To admit i'm freaking out. Silly erika. Why on earth is she freaking out on her firstd day of her poly life? BAHHHH. HALP! HALP!

I am now officially scared for my future.

how do you want me to love you?

Whilst walking towards prata house, i had a severe pain in my heart. It's when my chest started to tighten and my heart had this pain struck by some sort pause. Right there and then, i realized, i needed to cry. But how could i? I was walking from one traffic light to another. Sweet misery had to give me a fall in reality.
1. There is obviously something wrong in the relationship
2. So many people are trying to come inbetween.
3. Friends don't act like friends.
4. Friends and drama.
5. New school.
6. Frustrated and rather complicated me.

I just thought i had this all figured out. But no, i can NEVER Ever figure it out.

You'll never know true love till you get burned.
I could say it a hundred times over and think about it for the rest of my days but i am certain i can never quite accept it as a feeling i have to sit through.
It's like feeling hungry yet not having the appetite to consume and feeling sad but the eyes give no room for tears. Everything in front of me is just the exact opposite of how i may be feeling. Because till this very moment, i still cannot comprehend the true meaning of the emotions i have inside of me. I am everything you can ever think of all at once.

Capable of true love yet lost in an irony of lament.
(from amanda sue ann)

so then love, how do you want me to love you?

blogging like this

Just yesterday when I was talking to my string of girls from Nisha, Fariza, Maimunah, Laveena, Amanda then Joy, they did went through with me the pros and cons of keeping the second later. But one chunk of sentence I said, sent him clueless. Well how can i forget the night/day I tore us?

I miss the way how i use to blog in my school days, somehow i see that my post are more different, like a certain me went astray. Probably it's the lack of engery or that my days are really getting to be boring. Maybe i should blog about anything under the sun, my views on certain topics, people and countries or even food. I'm sure there's more to my hummish-drummish life. Or yet, i can create my own term of words like i always do. Or maybe create a story and then fabricate it with my own set of characters. Because i admit i don't spill all my juicy detailed days at all, because deep in me are secrets that can make your eyelash curl out without using a shu umera eyelash curler.

I should really start to think what i want out of my days and my years just for starters before i can really decide what i want out of my life. Afterall, we need to take babysteps right?

fucking scared all the time

Today marks the day that i finally had a heart to heart chat with Nisha, my best friend after some long months. Everything under the sun. But it's worth it.

As I sit tight on my chair with a very fustrated look drawn on my face and eyes, i can only imagine and fanthom what the future has in store for me. Because my dear readers, I am scared. Go ahead laugh and mock me but it's the truth.
I'm scared of the future, i actually really am, let's put religion aside and other proclaims that 'God holds the future and the tomorrow, and He has time in His hands.' Because i don't want to hear it, even if that faith isn't dying, it's still terrifying. Because anything can happen.
I'm scared to loose the people that i love the most, my friends, my love, my family too.
I'm scared to find out that nothing was ever real or true.
I'm scared to get hurt.
I'm scared of loosing out in every fight, because it's exhausting to keep firm in what i strongly believe in.
And all those times i act so brave, truth is, i'm scared all the time. So fucking scared.

I'll come after that

But i wana stay alive and i wanna stay with you throughout this life. I'm pretty much an idiot sometimes, but sometimes you need to be an idiot and then discover the einstein in you, we weren't grown geniuses.

The scars on my body i got today are not beginning to heal. It's worst.

I used to think that courage was the hardest to fulfill and confidence to speak up for yourself was hardly ever found because we are weak and reliant. That's why we are creatures of that habit. And be glad, for that is what that makes us woefully human . We rely on a stronger someone and we bare our emotions , losing the integrity ever so often, then again so ironically, never regretting how we lose our minds without losing our pride. We are complicated, like that. No one's expected to understand the enigma behind this facade. But understand that i am full of faith for this life i lead beyond words.

Who would spend about 300 bucks on someone for their birthday gift?


i spent $300 on this pair of earrings for my sister's b-day gift, unfortunately i can't show it to y'all now cause it's wrapped up.

Urgent emergency

I'm on my last week at work. I hate/love to go. Mom also left this morning for the land of my other half side of me fore fathers, the land of anime, porn and bloody darn good food. Yet she had to be a big damn prick to my life this morning.

I'm slouched on the couch and i don't have the mood to move or to even smile. There's been something missing inside of me, like a certain kinda joy. Whatever it is it's eating me inside out like a spider enjoying it's feast.

I miss the touch and the words of love, but i guess training is taking much of his time. But to that, i'm starting to cry myself at night hoping for him to come back real soon' for i need him. I urgently need him.

if i were an ostrich, i'd not only bury my head when i'm scared. But i'd bury my head when i'm confused and frustrated and feeling terribly lost. And if only i can bite the hands that feed me.

Mom is a being a bitch. Mom is a bitch. Because of her i feel terribly lost and upset and down right confused. Yes the reason why i mainly feel moppy most of the time is her.

I shall go talk to someone and hopefully i feel better about this.

NOT.

why should I

Why should I?

Because I care.

madly on

zomg. valentine's is over, well i had a big bouquet of roses by some person who calls himself kev. HAHA. To kev, thanks for the lovely roses. And the poems and the chocolates. Ok and oh i got into poly but into a course i deem to be pointless to me especially since i'm not interested in majoring in it at all. Bahhh,

ok anons, please number yourselves la. Yes i'm working at bugis. And reply to other anon, no, i'm not spiritually starved. I'm just figuring out why the world spins madly on.

If i'm unhappy, i'll show it still. Everything is becoming more clear and evident infront of me, i've been missing out alot. And if i want to go back, i have to jump to 1 year ago.

roses

But i should be happy, but i'm very not. So now i'm thinking if it's something i did wrong. And the funny thing is I don't really know you, but i guess you won't even know if one day,

i'll be gone.

Don't give me any roses on valentine's day. Don't give me anything.

When I wanted to break down halfway at work for thinking about what's wrong with the life i live, I got choked on with emotions and pepper powder in my nose. When was the last time I ever felt happy? Besides less then 24 hours ago, Zool had supper with me and stayed over at my place? I can be happy, I want to be happy.

delete me

pay day is coming. (:
my little toes are getting excited.

Ok and for those who want to know how much i scored for the 'OH's, i had below 20. And I'll be going poly. So don't make me repeat my answer.

A few people came by to visit me from work, one was the unexpected visit of an ex. I try hard not to recall but i wish someone can delete a momento of a past. It got me thinking till i started catching spasm in space, and a customer lightly tapped me on the shoulder asking for a particular size for a shoe.

In this case, I choose myself.

1 word. 1 mouth. 1 night. 1 mind. 1 idiot. 1 tear. 1 life. 1 wish. 1 prayer. 1 quiet death. 1 scar.

ok, i know scars will make me stronger. yea. i'm pretty numb at the moment.

Look out for the new me world. Right back at you.

fuck boys

work stinks. ):

i ate chocolate like nobody's bees wax cause i was damn jiwang!

fuck boys.

work eat sleep

Work, sleep, eat. I can't believe that's how i live my life now. Well of course, it use to be study, eat, sleep. Working is fine, really. I earn the money that i desire to get. Or at least i'll get rather. I work 6 days a week, 11-12 hours a day. Thought about changing jobs because i realise that i do kinda need my life back you know.

and i like you because
if we go away together
and i get lost
then you are the one that is yelling for me

hey where are you?

-sandol stoddard warburg

big deal

I clinched a job at Bugis, Le Pommier, at the second level, infront of the information/sistics counter! At the far end. I think working hours and days are terrible. 10am-10pm, and it's 6 times a week, i get Saturday off. Oh and it's like totally chinese speaking environment. Terrible huh? Well whatever to get what i want, i pay the price for it.

And now it hit me, i haven't got the slightest thing to wear to work.

Secret Misery

AUGH. I'm un-employed yet. So spending money almost everyday isn't doing me good. But i'll call up this 3rd agent regarding about an on the spot job. 1.5k a month? Any objections? At some place that says C-I-T-Y. That could possible be almost anywhere, since Singapore is afterall a C-I-T-Y itself. Selling ladies accesories.

Well, i came home from town, Zool sent me home via bike. I don't know why but I'm kinda sick of the fashion here. It's just TOOO common. I don't want to whine and do nothing about it. But it's kinda boring seeing everyone wearing almost the same thing. It's like how the many versions of Romeo & Juliet is being altered, they just change the era, settings, props, clothes. Still no actual twist, since both end up being dead anyway. It's getting really boring. Oh in any case, Zool and Irwan were nice enough to share my misery throughout the day.

3 minutes of happiness

New endings, old beginnings. How sweet. I hope my friends/readers, that you're all celebrating today and yesterday with happiness and not a pinch of sadness. On the stroke of 12, i didn't know if i should have cried and swallow down pride, instead, i encouraged my childhood friend, Saya to sneak out of the house. (She wanted to anyway!)

I swore, it was such an emo night, and on the start of the year. But one thing lead to another, drama always follow. By now, i learnt that if you play with fire, you can either stay to continue playing, or you use a stronger fire to create a bigger fire, or you can stand and watch. Whichever it is. I'll be happy, eventually. Even if it's for a while.

Well, have a good year ahead of you all.

where it all starts

OK. So japan trip, done. Christmas, done. Yes i'm back. Hello fellow singaporeans! (:

So i went DXO last night. What happened there remains there. What i did and whatever happened remains there. What a night full of drama. I think i wouldn't dare fix the twist anymore, it'll just show me eventually what it'll do. I have a heart that cannot be tammed, an inner voice that wants to be heard. Happiness i say, is no where in it, and it's because, happiness can sometimes last for only 3 minutes. But i'm guessing it's about time since i freed myself from life's distractions.

see you in a decade

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Hey kids i know my o's are over and i SHOULD be blogging but really sorry. I've been pretty darn busy.

anyway, i've yet to pack my bags. Flight is at 8.40.

God and i'm hell as sad as i can be. ):

BUT look more for i'll be grudgingly telling you my days here in japan.

to everybody , well i'll miss you.

spray hearts on concrete they won't die

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hey i'm getting tension headaches. How cool is that? -does V sign wearing nothing but hippy clothes-
ok my headache is not getting any better. So after taking this medicine, some long unspelt name i have never heard of, i feel like a druggie.

O's are next week. When? O's are next week. When? O's are next week. When?
O's are sometime soon.

Did i tell you my readers this signifance of the heart in today's post? -looks at previous paragraph-
ok. no.
well no my heart is not broken, and no i'm not dividing it into 3 or more parts. But my heart is tugged at matters of the affairs of the heart. No biggy. Firdaus is being a great support to me. (:
To admit, i've never felt comfortable with anyone before. -Friends stares at me with the 'you-said-this-before' look-
Well............Time is only capable of that aint it now.

My air ticket to no-where

Ok, i can't believed that i just graduated. Class of 2007. 5n2.

How can i not be happy? I am actually not gonna be in the same class with this bunch of people whom i can call friends.

Alex,
Amanda Bay,
Cassie,
Belinda,
Amaryllis,
Esvari,
Louisa,
Laveena,
Maimunah,
Nisha
FiFi,
Joyce,
Chloe,
Ji Min,
Phanida,
Amanda Lee,
Sandra,
Caryn,
Wan Ting,
Lynette,
Rachel Mak,
Becky,
Alexia,
Zara,
Michelle,
Viviyana,
Elanor,
Shalini,
Ting Fang,
Jazreel,
Rachel Yong,
Sara Koh,
Floremae.

I just can't bear to live school. I can't sum up how much i feel for each and every one of you in a sentence. But i chose out this song and from the bottom of my heart, i mean every word i say.

i really really do love you guys as friends and as sisters. we've seen each other blossom up to who we are today. And you know what? I really really do love you all, REMEMBER THAT!

so with this, please do remember one another.

from my heart,
erika.