blogging like this

Just yesterday when I was talking to my string of girls from Nisha, Fariza, Maimunah, Laveena, Amanda then Joy, they did went through with me the pros and cons of keeping the second later. But one chunk of sentence I said, sent him clueless. Well how can i forget the night/day I tore us?

I miss the way how i use to blog in my school days, somehow i see that my post are more different, like a certain me went astray. Probably it's the lack of engery or that my days are really getting to be boring. Maybe i should blog about anything under the sun, my views on certain topics, people and countries or even food. I'm sure there's more to my hummish-drummish life. Or yet, i can create my own term of words like i always do. Or maybe create a story and then fabricate it with my own set of characters. Because i admit i don't spill all my juicy detailed days at all, because deep in me are secrets that can make your eyelash curl out without using a shu umera eyelash curler.

I should really start to think what i want out of my days and my years just for starters before i can really decide what i want out of my life. Afterall, we need to take babysteps right?

fucking scared all the time

Today marks the day that i finally had a heart to heart chat with Nisha, my best friend after some long months. Everything under the sun. But it's worth it.

As I sit tight on my chair with a very fustrated look drawn on my face and eyes, i can only imagine and fanthom what the future has in store for me. Because my dear readers, I am scared. Go ahead laugh and mock me but it's the truth.
I'm scared of the future, i actually really am, let's put religion aside and other proclaims that 'God holds the future and the tomorrow, and He has time in His hands.' Because i don't want to hear it, even if that faith isn't dying, it's still terrifying. Because anything can happen.
I'm scared to loose the people that i love the most, my friends, my love, my family too.
I'm scared to find out that nothing was ever real or true.
I'm scared to get hurt.
I'm scared of loosing out in every fight, because it's exhausting to keep firm in what i strongly believe in.
And all those times i act so brave, truth is, i'm scared all the time. So fucking scared.

I'll come after that

But i wana stay alive and i wanna stay with you throughout this life. I'm pretty much an idiot sometimes, but sometimes you need to be an idiot and then discover the einstein in you, we weren't grown geniuses.

The scars on my body i got today are not beginning to heal. It's worst.

I used to think that courage was the hardest to fulfill and confidence to speak up for yourself was hardly ever found because we are weak and reliant. That's why we are creatures of that habit. And be glad, for that is what that makes us woefully human . We rely on a stronger someone and we bare our emotions , losing the integrity ever so often, then again so ironically, never regretting how we lose our minds without losing our pride. We are complicated, like that. No one's expected to understand the enigma behind this facade. But understand that i am full of faith for this life i lead beyond words.

Who would spend about 300 bucks on someone for their birthday gift?


i spent $300 on this pair of earrings for my sister's b-day gift, unfortunately i can't show it to y'all now cause it's wrapped up.

Urgent emergency

I'm on my last week at work. I hate/love to go. Mom also left this morning for the land of my other half side of me fore fathers, the land of anime, porn and bloody darn good food. Yet she had to be a big damn prick to my life this morning.

I'm slouched on the couch and i don't have the mood to move or to even smile. There's been something missing inside of me, like a certain kinda joy. Whatever it is it's eating me inside out like a spider enjoying it's feast.

I miss the touch and the words of love, but i guess training is taking much of his time. But to that, i'm starting to cry myself at night hoping for him to come back real soon' for i need him. I urgently need him.

if i were an ostrich, i'd not only bury my head when i'm scared. But i'd bury my head when i'm confused and frustrated and feeling terribly lost. And if only i can bite the hands that feed me.

Mom is a being a bitch. Mom is a bitch. Because of her i feel terribly lost and upset and down right confused. Yes the reason why i mainly feel moppy most of the time is her.

I shall go talk to someone and hopefully i feel better about this.

NOT.

why should I

Why should I?

Because I care.

madly on

zomg. valentine's is over, well i had a big bouquet of roses by some person who calls himself kev. HAHA. To kev, thanks for the lovely roses. And the poems and the chocolates. Ok and oh i got into poly but into a course i deem to be pointless to me especially since i'm not interested in majoring in it at all. Bahhh,

ok anons, please number yourselves la. Yes i'm working at bugis. And reply to other anon, no, i'm not spiritually starved. I'm just figuring out why the world spins madly on.

If i'm unhappy, i'll show it still. Everything is becoming more clear and evident infront of me, i've been missing out alot. And if i want to go back, i have to jump to 1 year ago.

roses

But i should be happy, but i'm very not. So now i'm thinking if it's something i did wrong. And the funny thing is I don't really know you, but i guess you won't even know if one day,

i'll be gone.

Don't give me any roses on valentine's day. Don't give me anything.

When I wanted to break down halfway at work for thinking about what's wrong with the life i live, I got choked on with emotions and pepper powder in my nose. When was the last time I ever felt happy? Besides less then 24 hours ago, Zool had supper with me and stayed over at my place? I can be happy, I want to be happy.

delete me

pay day is coming. (:
my little toes are getting excited.

Ok and for those who want to know how much i scored for the 'OH's, i had below 20. And I'll be going poly. So don't make me repeat my answer.

A few people came by to visit me from work, one was the unexpected visit of an ex. I try hard not to recall but i wish someone can delete a momento of a past. It got me thinking till i started catching spasm in space, and a customer lightly tapped me on the shoulder asking for a particular size for a shoe.

In this case, I choose myself.

1 word. 1 mouth. 1 night. 1 mind. 1 idiot. 1 tear. 1 life. 1 wish. 1 prayer. 1 quiet death. 1 scar.

ok, i know scars will make me stronger. yea. i'm pretty numb at the moment.

Look out for the new me world. Right back at you.

fuck boys

work stinks. ):

i ate chocolate like nobody's bees wax cause i was damn jiwang!

fuck boys.

work eat sleep

Work, sleep, eat. I can't believe that's how i live my life now. Well of course, it use to be study, eat, sleep. Working is fine, really. I earn the money that i desire to get. Or at least i'll get rather. I work 6 days a week, 11-12 hours a day. Thought about changing jobs because i realise that i do kinda need my life back you know.

and i like you because
if we go away together
and i get lost
then you are the one that is yelling for me

hey where are you?

-sandol stoddard warburg

big deal

I clinched a job at Bugis, Le Pommier, at the second level, infront of the information/sistics counter! At the far end. I think working hours and days are terrible. 10am-10pm, and it's 6 times a week, i get Saturday off. Oh and it's like totally chinese speaking environment. Terrible huh? Well whatever to get what i want, i pay the price for it.

And now it hit me, i haven't got the slightest thing to wear to work.

Secret Misery

AUGH. I'm un-employed yet. So spending money almost everyday isn't doing me good. But i'll call up this 3rd agent regarding about an on the spot job. 1.5k a month? Any objections? At some place that says C-I-T-Y. That could possible be almost anywhere, since Singapore is afterall a C-I-T-Y itself. Selling ladies accesories.

Well, i came home from town, Zool sent me home via bike. I don't know why but I'm kinda sick of the fashion here. It's just TOOO common. I don't want to whine and do nothing about it. But it's kinda boring seeing everyone wearing almost the same thing. It's like how the many versions of Romeo & Juliet is being altered, they just change the era, settings, props, clothes. Still no actual twist, since both end up being dead anyway. It's getting really boring. Oh in any case, Zool and Irwan were nice enough to share my misery throughout the day.

3 minutes of happiness

New endings, old beginnings. How sweet. I hope my friends/readers, that you're all celebrating today and yesterday with happiness and not a pinch of sadness. On the stroke of 12, i didn't know if i should have cried and swallow down pride, instead, i encouraged my childhood friend, Saya to sneak out of the house. (She wanted to anyway!)

I swore, it was such an emo night, and on the start of the year. But one thing lead to another, drama always follow. By now, i learnt that if you play with fire, you can either stay to continue playing, or you use a stronger fire to create a bigger fire, or you can stand and watch. Whichever it is. I'll be happy, eventually. Even if it's for a while.

Well, have a good year ahead of you all.

where it all starts

OK. So japan trip, done. Christmas, done. Yes i'm back. Hello fellow singaporeans! (:

So i went DXO last night. What happened there remains there. What i did and whatever happened remains there. What a night full of drama. I think i wouldn't dare fix the twist anymore, it'll just show me eventually what it'll do. I have a heart that cannot be tammed, an inner voice that wants to be heard. Happiness i say, is no where in it, and it's because, happiness can sometimes last for only 3 minutes. But i'm guessing it's about time since i freed myself from life's distractions.

see you in a decade

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Hey kids i know my o's are over and i SHOULD be blogging but really sorry. I've been pretty darn busy.

anyway, i've yet to pack my bags. Flight is at 8.40.

God and i'm hell as sad as i can be. ):

BUT look more for i'll be grudgingly telling you my days here in japan.

to everybody , well i'll miss you.