how do you love yet not feel like a piece of shit?

How do you love yet not feel like a piece of shit? My insanities have sure lead me to my own quagmire of doubt and uncertainty. I am exhausted off of my own emotions, I feel so much yet i can't seem to form a logical and proper sentence online, on the phone and on my mouth. So can somebody fucking pass me the torch? I've been a puppet to my own emotions. I'm sick and tired of trying to make things right yet feeling like a totoal piece of shit, in this case, i'm talking about giving up.

i miss you so much that it hurts.

I have have have to say this, although cleary i should be paying attention to other people's presentation. I can't. Because it kills me inside and i squirm and sigh with a faint heart. For i long this feeling. Ok so i was browsing through friendster and i came across a certain bulletin. Now i'm not someone who usually reads the bulletein from friendster but the message kinda got me.
The title was 'what every girl wants?'

But on another note, can somebody explain things to me? Because you have to pardon me for my ailing heart. I'm missing you so badly, more than before. And it does hurts to know that we're both standing on something so shallow, because we're so safe. And my question was so simple, either you want me or you don't? I know you want ample time to slowly get to know each other, and I should respect that. But forgive me again for I don't know why I'm acting this way.

I'm telling myself NOT to miss your nor to think about you, and i succeed each time. But when i walked out of class today, i smelt your cologne and i hurridly turned around to see if you could be here by surprise. But what was worst off was when i was alone on the way home, i couldn't help but think about you and slowly wonder to myself and count down the days till i see you again.

happy earth day

happy earth day y'all.

may peace be a question to us all.

And I thought what i did was correct, just because I was sure of it and i was affirmative. But no, the long bus journey had to made me pause. But no I had to make up mind right there and then. Well, maybe he'll get it right next time. Just maybe. But i am sorry if i treated you like a friend all along.

run people run

I think since i bring the lappy almost everyday for the next 3 years in poly. I think i'll be blogging more regularly then i'll ever be. And did i mention, how i think loosing weight is gonna be shit easy at school? Lunch is from 12 to 2.30, BUT, the ENTIRE and i mean the ENTIRE school is having lunch. So you can imagine more than a thousand students, running down to get grub. And there's no place to sit!

So i'm not the best artist in the world, and that tiny red dot is me, saying HELP. But trust me it's worst than the drawing itself. Mark me i say!

Yo drama.

I went for the first day of orientation, i skipped the second and the third. I think the class that i am in is pretty kinda ok? I haven't gotten to know everyone yet. But that's pretty cool. So far the names i remember start with R, P and A. 2 Malay, 1 Taiwanese. Hey, at least i remembered their names start with an Alphabet i remembered.

And just yesterday, over a sneak out I had out to Mt Faber Park, i realized i want to give up on so many things, for I am afraid it will slowly devour me causing unintentional hurtful emotions. These past few days, I know that i should give up what I'm doing. He suspects it, they know it, I should do it.

With my mind gently pressed at the speed of drama, i shall welcome it all. So welcome drama.

Ok i checked the time, 9.24.
Less then 12 hours, imma gonna be in my new school with new faces. To admit i'm freaking out. Silly erika. Why on earth is she freaking out on her firstd day of her poly life? BAHHHH. HALP! HALP!

I am now officially scared for my future.

how do you want me to love you?

Whilst walking towards prata house, i had a severe pain in my heart. It's when my chest started to tighten and my heart had this pain struck by some sort pause. Right there and then, i realized, i needed to cry. But how could i? I was walking from one traffic light to another. Sweet misery had to give me a fall in reality.
1. There is obviously something wrong in the relationship
2. So many people are trying to come inbetween.
3. Friends don't act like friends.
4. Friends and drama.
5. New school.
6. Frustrated and rather complicated me.

I just thought i had this all figured out. But no, i can NEVER Ever figure it out.

You'll never know true love till you get burned.
I could say it a hundred times over and think about it for the rest of my days but i am certain i can never quite accept it as a feeling i have to sit through.
It's like feeling hungry yet not having the appetite to consume and feeling sad but the eyes give no room for tears. Everything in front of me is just the exact opposite of how i may be feeling. Because till this very moment, i still cannot comprehend the true meaning of the emotions i have inside of me. I am everything you can ever think of all at once.

Capable of true love yet lost in an irony of lament.
(from amanda sue ann)

so then love, how do you want me to love you?

blogging like this

Just yesterday when I was talking to my string of girls from Nisha, Fariza, Maimunah, Laveena, Amanda then Joy, they did went through with me the pros and cons of keeping the second later. But one chunk of sentence I said, sent him clueless. Well how can i forget the night/day I tore us?

I miss the way how i use to blog in my school days, somehow i see that my post are more different, like a certain me went astray. Probably it's the lack of engery or that my days are really getting to be boring. Maybe i should blog about anything under the sun, my views on certain topics, people and countries or even food. I'm sure there's more to my hummish-drummish life. Or yet, i can create my own term of words like i always do. Or maybe create a story and then fabricate it with my own set of characters. Because i admit i don't spill all my juicy detailed days at all, because deep in me are secrets that can make your eyelash curl out without using a shu umera eyelash curler.

I should really start to think what i want out of my days and my years just for starters before i can really decide what i want out of my life. Afterall, we need to take babysteps right?

fucking scared all the time

Today marks the day that i finally had a heart to heart chat with Nisha, my best friend after some long months. Everything under the sun. But it's worth it.

As I sit tight on my chair with a very fustrated look drawn on my face and eyes, i can only imagine and fanthom what the future has in store for me. Because my dear readers, I am scared. Go ahead laugh and mock me but it's the truth.
I'm scared of the future, i actually really am, let's put religion aside and other proclaims that 'God holds the future and the tomorrow, and He has time in His hands.' Because i don't want to hear it, even if that faith isn't dying, it's still terrifying. Because anything can happen.
I'm scared to loose the people that i love the most, my friends, my love, my family too.
I'm scared to find out that nothing was ever real or true.
I'm scared to get hurt.
I'm scared of loosing out in every fight, because it's exhausting to keep firm in what i strongly believe in.
And all those times i act so brave, truth is, i'm scared all the time. So fucking scared.

I'll come after that

But i wana stay alive and i wanna stay with you throughout this life. I'm pretty much an idiot sometimes, but sometimes you need to be an idiot and then discover the einstein in you, we weren't grown geniuses.

The scars on my body i got today are not beginning to heal. It's worst.

I used to think that courage was the hardest to fulfill and confidence to speak up for yourself was hardly ever found because we are weak and reliant. That's why we are creatures of that habit. And be glad, for that is what that makes us woefully human . We rely on a stronger someone and we bare our emotions , losing the integrity ever so often, then again so ironically, never regretting how we lose our minds without losing our pride. We are complicated, like that. No one's expected to understand the enigma behind this facade. But understand that i am full of faith for this life i lead beyond words.

Who would spend about 300 bucks on someone for their birthday gift?


i spent $300 on this pair of earrings for my sister's b-day gift, unfortunately i can't show it to y'all now cause it's wrapped up.

Urgent emergency

I'm on my last week at work. I hate/love to go. Mom also left this morning for the land of my other half side of me fore fathers, the land of anime, porn and bloody darn good food. Yet she had to be a big damn prick to my life this morning.

I'm slouched on the couch and i don't have the mood to move or to even smile. There's been something missing inside of me, like a certain kinda joy. Whatever it is it's eating me inside out like a spider enjoying it's feast.

I miss the touch and the words of love, but i guess training is taking much of his time. But to that, i'm starting to cry myself at night hoping for him to come back real soon' for i need him. I urgently need him.

if i were an ostrich, i'd not only bury my head when i'm scared. But i'd bury my head when i'm confused and frustrated and feeling terribly lost. And if only i can bite the hands that feed me.

Mom is a being a bitch. Mom is a bitch. Because of her i feel terribly lost and upset and down right confused. Yes the reason why i mainly feel moppy most of the time is her.

I shall go talk to someone and hopefully i feel better about this.

NOT.

why should I

Why should I?

Because I care.

madly on

zomg. valentine's is over, well i had a big bouquet of roses by some person who calls himself kev. HAHA. To kev, thanks for the lovely roses. And the poems and the chocolates. Ok and oh i got into poly but into a course i deem to be pointless to me especially since i'm not interested in majoring in it at all. Bahhh,

ok anons, please number yourselves la. Yes i'm working at bugis. And reply to other anon, no, i'm not spiritually starved. I'm just figuring out why the world spins madly on.

If i'm unhappy, i'll show it still. Everything is becoming more clear and evident infront of me, i've been missing out alot. And if i want to go back, i have to jump to 1 year ago.

roses

But i should be happy, but i'm very not. So now i'm thinking if it's something i did wrong. And the funny thing is I don't really know you, but i guess you won't even know if one day,

i'll be gone.

Don't give me any roses on valentine's day. Don't give me anything.

When I wanted to break down halfway at work for thinking about what's wrong with the life i live, I got choked on with emotions and pepper powder in my nose. When was the last time I ever felt happy? Besides less then 24 hours ago, Zool had supper with me and stayed over at my place? I can be happy, I want to be happy.

delete me

pay day is coming. (:
my little toes are getting excited.

Ok and for those who want to know how much i scored for the 'OH's, i had below 20. And I'll be going poly. So don't make me repeat my answer.

A few people came by to visit me from work, one was the unexpected visit of an ex. I try hard not to recall but i wish someone can delete a momento of a past. It got me thinking till i started catching spasm in space, and a customer lightly tapped me on the shoulder asking for a particular size for a shoe.

In this case, I choose myself.

1 word. 1 mouth. 1 night. 1 mind. 1 idiot. 1 tear. 1 life. 1 wish. 1 prayer. 1 quiet death. 1 scar.

ok, i know scars will make me stronger. yea. i'm pretty numb at the moment.

Look out for the new me world. Right back at you.