Be honest

I love you, may nothing every change that.

-E

Thunder & Lightning

Watching how thunder and lightning clash from the corner of my bed is bewitching. I can just sit on my bed and stare at it from afar forever, it's so gorgeous. I can just NOT sleep and look at each instance go by till morning comes. Things like this that makes me forget what i was so upset, disappointed, unhappy, irritated or whatever about in the first place. But finally, tonight, it also feels a little cold too, (maybe it's just me) and it feels good too.

You'll always be my thunder.

And i hope that you don't forget the day we met, it changed history at least for you and me.

all hail here

my alter ego here:

fartforpeace.tumblr.com

visit if you prefer my words/feelings/thoughts/blank-stare-spaces in pictures

I love you. You love me. That's all that matters to me right now. You mean the world of me and I think the world of you. & there's no other way I would let it be, you complete me. :)

always

Always.

checking through a landslide

Today, my student told me that the only problem he had with English essays was putting his entire thoughts onto paper and structuring them despite having all the good points jotted down. Likewise with my blog posts sometimes, I have innumerable things I want to say, but penning them down here would be perplexed as well. The irony how humans can be that we can structure good essays but find the impossible with our emotions and feelings.

I was at Starbucks, people-watching, shoe-gazing and thinking, especially thinking. Thinking the entire day about the next month and a half, in a matter of weeks I will turn 21, and that's when life as we know it, would change forever. But in a month and a half, I would also be some 3800 miles, 6000km away from home and I had to think about the people whom I cherish with all my heart. One particular person that was undoubtedly repeatedly coming forth, was my boyfriend. The one who I love so dearly and the one I can share almost anything with.

I could never stop thinking about him and how both our lives would change forever. The thought of leaving him behind tears me apart and I know I would not be able to stop the tears that would fall down. So I allowed my thought process to run and just wonder.

If I have all the faith in the world to push me through whatever, I'm sure that love would do the same, good or bad. Even if disappointment would slap me in my face or my partner's, I know myself and eventually I will get back up. I remember this phrase that

"You're not gonna promise to each other that you will disappoint one another because at some point you will. What is important is you don't go away, you don't escape, you don't leave one another just because you were disappointed. That's the meaning of fidelity"

Track backing on my blog posts that I wrote for my boyfriend, I'm reminded of how hopeful I am and how much I would do to get this through. If anything were to ever happen, it will still be ok and no matter what, everything will be ok. I know for sure that I'm thankful for everyday the day we got together and that my heart beats for no one else but him ever since.

I'm beginning to think if there's a direction I'm going at with my post but whatever it is I love my boyfriend whole damn heartedly, and i swear no rich guys no goodlooking guys no kind guys no smart guys can ever match up to the wonderful guy he is to me. He is undoubtedly, with much consideration and no frivolous talk, the love of my life. I please that he holds onto this, that comewhat may, I’m his little hope, his little comfort and his little strength.

Till I post something again.

because i really really do

I really really do. And there is no denying that I think about you everyday, when i wake up, before i go to bed, when i shower, when i brush my teeth or even just by myself. I miss you so much that it hurts inside. :'(

3 cheers to 3 years

I graduated today as a happy child and 3 years in a school called Republic Poly, was and probably, one of the best times I would ever have in my life.

haha

Sometimes when I compare myself to other girls in the streets or that in magazines, this is how they look like.

But instead of looking like that, sometimes I think I look like this instead.

and then i'd be like

i feel like i'm....

Not good enough anymore. :'(

Good riddance

When people usually ask me "What's wrong?" I just say "nothing". Not because i don't want to tell them, but because my mind is filled with thousands and thousands of thoughts that i just don't know how to explain.

I have been hemming and hawing, pacing up and down my room for a good 45 minutes already, I just sat on my bed and sighed. Sighed long and thought hard about an inconvenient question that was thrown to me. Trust is one of the things that's hardest to earn but so easy to destroy and if that is not barren enough for you than I can show you. I wanted to sleep and catch a good long rest but the question posed kept ringing in my head and i hated it because the reality annoyed me off my emotions before I could even shut my eyes, hence at this hour, i am still awake.

For the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

-The Script.

that much

I do not care what people will say or think, as long as I am still around and you are standing next to me, we will make it through whatever. It's just me and you. Just us two. I love you that much. THAT MUCH.

You don't know how different you are to me

We were in the car, you were driving, I was looking out the window. I turned around and told you that I love you very very much and you smiled and told me you love me too, leaning forward, you kissed me and held my hand with the other hand on the steering wheel. I looked away, behind my shades, I teared.

You see, you don't know how special you are to me and how dearly I am holding on to you, you may not feel it from me and i don't show it, but I hold on tighter to you more than you can imagine. Don't you see? I want you. All i want is you and me always. I want to be yours more than anything. And I'm afraid, im scared that things might not turn out the way i want them to, the way we hope for it to be. Already I'm doing all I can to protect you from everything and anyone that could hurt us. I know that you know that something IS wrong even when I say I am ok or when i reply "nothing", so yes I lie, because I am protecting you from everyone and everything in my life that wants to do so.

Sometimes I ask myself what and why am i doing this, but like you told me before, you are the only exception. So just take my hand, we'll make it. I swear I'll try.

You don't deserve me then

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

what is important to you?

My mom turns on to the Japanese News Channel (NHK) every morning and every night. For those who do not not know, my mom was in Tokyo the day the earthquake and tsunami happened, however she came back to Singapore safely about 3 days later. But back to what I said about the news, i feel so useless whenever I hear or watch it and sometimes I loose my appetite. I call and email my family members and friends back in Japan every once in 3 days to make sure that everyone is doing safe and ok. However I still feel that it's not enough. Yes, they do need the money, the need fuel, they need food, they need water, they need warmth, they need our prayers and they need our love and shoulder to lean on. Japan has been my second home and it is what makes the other half of me in my blood.

Anyway, I was reading this on a news website about this person

Hideaki Akaiwa

No, he's not dead. But his story made me tear so much that my contacts came out. So here's the story, for most sane people, when a natural disaster coming at you, your brain develops the "fright and flight" nervous system naturally. You see danger coming to you, you run AWAY from it. Not for this man. This guy was at work when the 8.9 magnitude earthquake and tsunami hit his hometown in Ishinomaki, when he realized he could not get through his wife of 20 years, by phone or any communication device. He did not collapse into a foetal like position and cry, he did not freak out in hysteria . No, instead, he grabbed some used scuba gear, swim suit ignoring just about all the advice from professionals who told him to wait for the army to arrive to provide a posse for search and rescue, and then jumped into the raging torrent. Dodging cars, ships, houses and other debris like that may cause serious pain, in the frigidly cold water, undercurrents and torrential riptides, he just swam.

(Obviously not the idealic conditions to go scuba diving)

Swimming and swimming, he discovered his wife live on the upper level with only a small amount of breathing room, and sharing his respirator, pulled her out to safety. Now, if he had waited for the army, his wife of 20 years would be dead. He then went back for his mother.

Akaiwa, did not stop from after just saving his wife and mother. Riding around on a bicycle with his legs wrapped in plastic to keep himself dry. His only equipment – a pocketknife, a canteen, a flashlight, a change of clothes, medical supplies and a set of aviator sunglasses – packed into a trusty trio of backpacks, neighbours, friends and people he doesn't even know are unaccounted for. He still swims and rides around searching for survivors out there still.

When interviewed by a reporter, why he risked his life to save his wife, he simply answered "She is very important to me" through his interpreter.

I am still close to tears everytime i read his story. He is by far, one of my favorite warriors in history to date.

Anyway, i know i'm going to spoil the post by posting the next photo, but I'm starting to make this little guy with gloves and my sewing skills to give to my family and friends. Whatever it is, i'm sewing it with all my love and effort. It may not be enough but. This is for them, this is for my dad's home, this is for Japan.

being in your 20s

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh

A friend of a friend's told me that girls at our age, (I'm turning 21), are not really looking for stability in a man or in any relationship as a matter of fact and that education and money means squat to us. Maybe. But you see but being in your 20's, it is the stem cell of human development, the pluripotent moment when any of several outcomes is possible. Decisions and actions during this time have lasting ramifications. The 20s are when most people accumulate almost all of their formal education; when most people meet their future spouses and the friends they will keep; when most people start on the careers that they will stay with for many years. & This is when adventures, experiments, travels, relationships are embarked on with an abandon that probably will not happen again.


Btw, I love Winnie the Pooh, they're not just for kids, if you actually read the Book, and not those picture drawing ones, those that consist of 400-500 pages. You'll realize that, Winnie the Pooh, is not actually about kids. It's something deeper.

promise me the moon and stars

What are words if we don't really mean what we say most of the time? Sometimes it's hard to form a sentence when you're sad or even angry, because in the end, we don't meant what we said and we would kick ourselves and say "I shouldn't have said that". But what about those words when we say when we're in love, when we're happy or when you stand in the altar next to your spouse? Do we really mean what we say?

I once typed it somewhere "Don't make decisions when you're angry and don't make promises when you're happy". Anyone can tell it to your face under the moon and stars how people feel when they're in love or how pretty she/he looks and how'd you do anything to keep them right next to you, but you can't give them the moon and stars. I like to see the best and the goodness in people, yet some have said that is a fault of mine (isit?), but I really do, but when they look me in the eye and tell me promises, I wonder how and why are they promising me something that may just be another hollow one?

So next time, don't promise me the moon and stars,