Tonight I wanted to know if everything will be ok, despite everything that we are and will be going through, but all I heard was, nothing.

I know myself well, I will move on and I will be strong, but not tonight, tonight, I just want to hang everything on the line and allow myself to cry, scream and get frustrated.

I was trying my hard to be very strong, but I think I lost it and I had to cry because I couldn't take it anymore. I am heavily upset and disappointed only to find out that the people I love the most don't wish to see me happy, but he makes me so happy because he can do it, no one else can come this close.

My mensis talking.

The thing I hate most about getting periods is that for that week of bottomless(literally) hell, I think and wonder alot more than I should. Like yesterday, throbbing around town and to Arab St and then home and then now on bed, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking ALOT. Some of the thoughts I think about annoy the crap out of me, but eventually it will diminish.

Today's tea and sheesha with Shafiq lasted for about 4 1/2 hours, just 2 people sitting at the back alley drinking a jug of iced cold turkish apple tea and smoking out double apple mint flavoured sheesha. Out of the entire time we were there, we kept quiet, the "i'm-deep-in-thought-and-i'll-soon-stone" kind of quiet. Well, I'm still thinking.

Remember this

Because I'll hold your hand and I'll hold you in my arms and whisper to you "Anything for you, till you get over this." I love you and i hope that is something to remind you that you've got someone to lean on to. You've been so hard on yourself but you don't realize how much more you have to offer, and sometimes people just don't see it. But I do.

Be honest

I love you, may nothing every change that.

-E

Thunder & Lightning

Watching how thunder and lightning clash from the corner of my bed is bewitching. I can just sit on my bed and stare at it from afar forever, it's so gorgeous. I can just NOT sleep and look at each instance go by till morning comes. Things like this that makes me forget what i was so upset, disappointed, unhappy, irritated or whatever about in the first place. But finally, tonight, it also feels a little cold too, (maybe it's just me) and it feels good too.

You'll always be my thunder.

And i hope that you don't forget the day we met, it changed history at least for you and me.

all hail here

my alter ego here:

fartforpeace.tumblr.com

visit if you prefer my words/feelings/thoughts/blank-stare-spaces in pictures

I love you. You love me. That's all that matters to me right now. You mean the world of me and I think the world of you. & there's no other way I would let it be, you complete me. :)

always

Always.

checking through a landslide

Today, my student told me that the only problem he had with English essays was putting his entire thoughts onto paper and structuring them despite having all the good points jotted down. Likewise with my blog posts sometimes, I have innumerable things I want to say, but penning them down here would be perplexed as well. The irony how humans can be that we can structure good essays but find the impossible with our emotions and feelings.

I was at Starbucks, people-watching, shoe-gazing and thinking, especially thinking. Thinking the entire day about the next month and a half, in a matter of weeks I will turn 21, and that's when life as we know it, would change forever. But in a month and a half, I would also be some 3800 miles, 6000km away from home and I had to think about the people whom I cherish with all my heart. One particular person that was undoubtedly repeatedly coming forth, was my boyfriend. The one who I love so dearly and the one I can share almost anything with.

I could never stop thinking about him and how both our lives would change forever. The thought of leaving him behind tears me apart and I know I would not be able to stop the tears that would fall down. So I allowed my thought process to run and just wonder.

If I have all the faith in the world to push me through whatever, I'm sure that love would do the same, good or bad. Even if disappointment would slap me in my face or my partner's, I know myself and eventually I will get back up. I remember this phrase that

"You're not gonna promise to each other that you will disappoint one another because at some point you will. What is important is you don't go away, you don't escape, you don't leave one another just because you were disappointed. That's the meaning of fidelity"

Track backing on my blog posts that I wrote for my boyfriend, I'm reminded of how hopeful I am and how much I would do to get this through. If anything were to ever happen, it will still be ok and no matter what, everything will be ok. I know for sure that I'm thankful for everyday the day we got together and that my heart beats for no one else but him ever since.

I'm beginning to think if there's a direction I'm going at with my post but whatever it is I love my boyfriend whole damn heartedly, and i swear no rich guys no goodlooking guys no kind guys no smart guys can ever match up to the wonderful guy he is to me. He is undoubtedly, with much consideration and no frivolous talk, the love of my life. I please that he holds onto this, that comewhat may, I’m his little hope, his little comfort and his little strength.

Till I post something again.

because i really really do

I really really do. And there is no denying that I think about you everyday, when i wake up, before i go to bed, when i shower, when i brush my teeth or even just by myself. I miss you so much that it hurts inside. :'(

3 cheers to 3 years

I graduated today as a happy child and 3 years in a school called Republic Poly, was and probably, one of the best times I would ever have in my life.

haha

Sometimes when I compare myself to other girls in the streets or that in magazines, this is how they look like.

But instead of looking like that, sometimes I think I look like this instead.

and then i'd be like

i feel like i'm....

Not good enough anymore. :'(

Good riddance

When people usually ask me "What's wrong?" I just say "nothing". Not because i don't want to tell them, but because my mind is filled with thousands and thousands of thoughts that i just don't know how to explain.

I have been hemming and hawing, pacing up and down my room for a good 45 minutes already, I just sat on my bed and sighed. Sighed long and thought hard about an inconvenient question that was thrown to me. Trust is one of the things that's hardest to earn but so easy to destroy and if that is not barren enough for you than I can show you. I wanted to sleep and catch a good long rest but the question posed kept ringing in my head and i hated it because the reality annoyed me off my emotions before I could even shut my eyes, hence at this hour, i am still awake.

For the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

-The Script.

that much

I do not care what people will say or think, as long as I am still around and you are standing next to me, we will make it through whatever. It's just me and you. Just us two. I love you that much. THAT MUCH.

You don't know how different you are to me

We were in the car, you were driving, I was looking out the window. I turned around and told you that I love you very very much and you smiled and told me you love me too, leaning forward, you kissed me and held my hand with the other hand on the steering wheel. I looked away, behind my shades, I teared.

You see, you don't know how special you are to me and how dearly I am holding on to you, you may not feel it from me and i don't show it, but I hold on tighter to you more than you can imagine. Don't you see? I want you. All i want is you and me always. I want to be yours more than anything. And I'm afraid, im scared that things might not turn out the way i want them to, the way we hope for it to be. Already I'm doing all I can to protect you from everything and anyone that could hurt us. I know that you know that something IS wrong even when I say I am ok or when i reply "nothing", so yes I lie, because I am protecting you from everyone and everything in my life that wants to do so.

Sometimes I ask myself what and why am i doing this, but like you told me before, you are the only exception. So just take my hand, we'll make it. I swear I'll try.

You don't deserve me then

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe