blogging like this

Just yesterday when I was talking to my string of girls from Nisha, Fariza, Maimunah, Laveena, Amanda then Joy, they did went through with me the pros and cons of keeping the second later. But one chunk of sentence I said, sent him clueless. Well how can i forget the night/day I tore us?

I miss the way how i use to blog in my school days, somehow i see that my post are more different, like a certain me went astray. Probably it's the lack of engery or that my days are really getting to be boring. Maybe i should blog about anything under the sun, my views on certain topics, people and countries or even food. I'm sure there's more to my hummish-drummish life. Or yet, i can create my own term of words like i always do. Or maybe create a story and then fabricate it with my own set of characters. Because i admit i don't spill all my juicy detailed days at all, because deep in me are secrets that can make your eyelash curl out without using a shu umera eyelash curler.

I should really start to think what i want out of my days and my years just for starters before i can really decide what i want out of my life. Afterall, we need to take babysteps right?

fucking scared all the time

Today marks the day that i finally had a heart to heart chat with Nisha, my best friend after some long months. Everything under the sun. But it's worth it.

As I sit tight on my chair with a very fustrated look drawn on my face and eyes, i can only imagine and fanthom what the future has in store for me. Because my dear readers, I am scared. Go ahead laugh and mock me but it's the truth.
I'm scared of the future, i actually really am, let's put religion aside and other proclaims that 'God holds the future and the tomorrow, and He has time in His hands.' Because i don't want to hear it, even if that faith isn't dying, it's still terrifying. Because anything can happen.
I'm scared to loose the people that i love the most, my friends, my love, my family too.
I'm scared to find out that nothing was ever real or true.
I'm scared to get hurt.
I'm scared of loosing out in every fight, because it's exhausting to keep firm in what i strongly believe in.
And all those times i act so brave, truth is, i'm scared all the time. So fucking scared.

I'll come after that

But i wana stay alive and i wanna stay with you throughout this life. I'm pretty much an idiot sometimes, but sometimes you need to be an idiot and then discover the einstein in you, we weren't grown geniuses.

The scars on my body i got today are not beginning to heal. It's worst.

I used to think that courage was the hardest to fulfill and confidence to speak up for yourself was hardly ever found because we are weak and reliant. That's why we are creatures of that habit. And be glad, for that is what that makes us woefully human . We rely on a stronger someone and we bare our emotions , losing the integrity ever so often, then again so ironically, never regretting how we lose our minds without losing our pride. We are complicated, like that. No one's expected to understand the enigma behind this facade. But understand that i am full of faith for this life i lead beyond words.

Who would spend about 300 bucks on someone for their birthday gift?


i spent $300 on this pair of earrings for my sister's b-day gift, unfortunately i can't show it to y'all now cause it's wrapped up.

Urgent emergency

I'm on my last week at work. I hate/love to go. Mom also left this morning for the land of my other half side of me fore fathers, the land of anime, porn and bloody darn good food. Yet she had to be a big damn prick to my life this morning.

I'm slouched on the couch and i don't have the mood to move or to even smile. There's been something missing inside of me, like a certain kinda joy. Whatever it is it's eating me inside out like a spider enjoying it's feast.

I miss the touch and the words of love, but i guess training is taking much of his time. But to that, i'm starting to cry myself at night hoping for him to come back real soon' for i need him. I urgently need him.

if i were an ostrich, i'd not only bury my head when i'm scared. But i'd bury my head when i'm confused and frustrated and feeling terribly lost. And if only i can bite the hands that feed me.

Mom is a being a bitch. Mom is a bitch. Because of her i feel terribly lost and upset and down right confused. Yes the reason why i mainly feel moppy most of the time is her.

I shall go talk to someone and hopefully i feel better about this.

NOT.

why should I

Why should I?

Because I care.