For Demin

I'm sorry if i never kissed you like i said i would,
I'm sorry if i never danced with you like i said i could.
I'm sorry if i never replied to your messages when i should.
I'm sorry that i didn't believe in you when you said you liked me.
I'm sorry that i just treated you like a friend since primary school.
I'm sorry that i'm saying sorry.
I'm sorry that i can only see you some day and not now.
I'm sorry that the last time i can only see you is on the funeral deathbead.

colorful monster where are you

She's screaming, he's fighting back, she's crying, and here i am feeling so numb.

As I sit back on my chair, and close my eyes and replayed every word she said to me, I breathed it all in but i sighed a relief that has never made me feel so empty right down to my tummy inside. And gently, i let the tears on my powdered cheeks wash away the color and let it fall on to the ground. -THUD- that horrid sound it makes cutting my every vein inside.

Mom, i'm glad you weren't there at the birthday dinner, my birthday dinner, because having you around, always kinda make things a little worst. And now i'm tearing inside because i regretted everything i said, and i wish i could take it all back. Here i am at 18, growing a little older, my brain getting a littler wiser. Yet I can't believe the words you lashed out on me to this day. It seems like i'll never be good enough for will, the flawless, perfect daughter that your other friends have, but did you know something? They're not that perfect too. Because you don't know every fucking lie that is kept inside, and one day if you hear the stories, think back and look back and you can tell yourself, 'thank god, she's alive'.

You use to be someone whom i look up too. You use to be someone i thought i might want to be. But no, i can't and i will never be. Because even I don't think you grew up to be that woman you want to be. So i ask, if you're really happy with yourself and where you're at now? Are you happy with your marraige? Are you happy with your kids? Are you happy with your life? Are you even proud of us? So I made a promise with myself, and a prayer with God, that when I grow up, I'll NEVER be like you and I'll NEVER be that person whom you want me to become.

Aunty Linda was right, when she told me that since birth, you guys didn't know how to handle and be the job of a 'parent'. Even till this day, you were never there when i got scared or when i needed help, even if you did ,you just yelled and screamed at me. You were never there to watch me perform in any of the dance fair or take pictures with me and the girls. You were never there to be by my side and cheer me on. Because of you, I thank God i went through hell. You were all that I could ever imagine and I hope to be, but you grew to be just another faceless identity to me.

So next week, you'll be flying off for yet another week and a half, don't call me, don't buy me anything, don't say a word, don't utter a breathe, don't look at me. Because even after you come back, i'll still hope that maybe one day you really come back for real this time and take a good look at yourself.

Then you can finally ask yourself, why the mess?

And with that, I wish you all the best, I'll be just fine, some how, some way. I'll be,
WITHOUT your help.
your daughter, erika.

married at 21

You know what sucks? Finding out that a relative of yours got married and he/she didn't tell you. Leonard Ow, has been family since the day before I was born, but to save the details, I'm glad to say that he's grown to the man that he feels he's contented with. Humble and all. But most importantly, the day he got married. A husband.

Now although the wedding was abrupt, and no one from his dad's side knew about it. Shell-shocked. Many were, due to some family reasons that i shall not state. But whatever it was, I'm happy for the both of them. For Leo, she's a flawless beauty that has changed you so much. And no matter what the reasons are, i hope the love between the both of you will burn for yet another 1000 years. And with that, Anna, most importantly, welcome to the family. (:

Lucky fruit-cake. This kid is only 11 and he's wearing ralph lauren.

if it were ever mine, it'd be ours.
if it were ever ours, it'd be you and I.
if it were ever thine, it'd be more than just forever.
erika.

to a friend, to a lover

the first, and the last

It's all to amazing. It really is. How someone, and not just anyone, but someone the least i expected to call on my own could turn out to be the very next big thing for me. For many of you who knew how my whole of last year, could have been what you called, wasted, can actually wake me and shake me up to my senses that i could actually learn to fall in love all over again.

It's just all too prodigious!
He's the first to yell and cry infront of me infront of a some few passer-bys, because he cares.
He's the first to message my legs and my toe because he says it's his way of showing his affection.
He's the first to pray for me and with me and infront of me.
He's the first boy whom i'm finally falling so very in love for the first time in a longest time.

tongiht i wanna cry

Because of how my character can invariently speak for itself, i, thus, have nothing to say. But it hit me in the back of my mind today, suddenly, on my way long, cold and rainy bus journey home, why we ever begained in the very first place? So i opened a history folder and took a look at the conversation of our first meet. It made me laugh and smile at some bits, till it got deeper to the soccer bit, something about a footballer's need, ego and passion. Then you asked for my email add, our long convos about almost....well everything. And you flirted, really, you did. You were smoove. Talking about wanting to come to my place to send me breakfast just to see my face. But to put it into a nutshell, it was all good, the history of our conversation really made me smile. And i do admit it, i do read it every now and then, I call it reminensce-of-history-porn.

Till I read today's convo and i simply wanted to bang my head on the table. Because I'm starting to belive that somewhere along the way, i might have made a terrible mistake. So tonight i think i want to cry.

The world is going to an end is what i said when i woke up and realised i turned 18.

Turning 18 and I just felt like i left another world and into another. Now many of you might find this weird, but really, the first thing I woke up and said on my birthday was "SHIT, I'm 18. I am so fucking scared of my future.' Yea well go figure. Because I REALLY am scared of the future. And i know you're all thinking, 'Silly girl, scared for the future for whatever for?' Now I can't explain and fathom why the fear that was instilled in me, but maybe when you get it too, you can understand why. And now I don't usually do this, BUT i went to another church on my birthday...with stefanus of course. In fact, I went to HIS church, and it's the church where my small aunt had her holy matrimony at, ORC Presbyterian church. And the day spent, left me falling asleep with a contented and blessed heart and smile. I really can't ask for more. I've been terribly blessed all my life, i just never knew i was.

But pics galore, here's what my peeps and Stef got for me the day i turned 18!

From the girls (Laveena, Maimunah, Fariza):

Yea, crayons, hair-tie, bangles, a note-book, color pencils, bookmark, 2 files, letters, handphone strap, candies, underwear, birthday banner, earrings, letter. HAHAHA. It left me gushing and laughing silly like in secondary school. Oh wait, it was just last year.

From the class:

I'm no angel, but i can defitnetly make you smile though. I think.

From Hui-Wen(Fiaz's gf) and Fiaz:

Ok actually, there's a flower hair-tie, in purple, a pink polka dotted handkerchief, and a chopstick, and now for that house you see. I thought initially it was a doll house. Till i saw a wire attached to it. Little did i realise it turned out to be like this:

From Stefanus:

JIM THOMPSON BAG! And CLINIQUE'S-HAPPY fragrance. Haha. His gift for me for my 18th birthday this year. And my very first gift from him.

Well and that's my 18th birthday this year. Here's to another exciting year of drama and happiness. Happy birthday erika. Happy birthday to you.

Moment I saw you cry

Tonight, I fell for you all over again.
Tonight, I saw beauty, fear, love, peace, eternity, destiny, hope in your eyes.
Today I saw you cried.
Today you poured out all your emotions to me.
Tonight you told me you love me so much.

And today, I'm tellin you that I love you.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love--women like to be a man's last romance."Oscar Wilde

so anyway what a birthday

Ok for a moment, i almost forgot that it was my birthday this sunday. Yea i know. I can actually forget that my birthday is actually coming. But really i wonder what kind of birthday would i have again this year? I'm turning 18 in about 3 days time and again i asked myself the same question that I've been consequtively asking myself for the past 6 years, 'exactly what do i want for my birthday this year?'

I'm terribly blessed with a family, friends, boyfriend, food, luxuries, education and the list goes on and on. But why do i still feel that something is missing still? You know you have everything and everything seems to be neatly and perfectly in place but why is it that you feel that something is amiss still? But please don't asking me that it's probably i need to find a purpose in life, when i am still trying to find that purpose still.

Maybe it's my cocky period that i'm having that is probably making feel that way. Or maybe not. Aiya i don't know la.

digitss

It's 1.56am. I need to wake up as early as 5.30 am tomorrow and report to school by 7 and run through the whole even till 3 pm. And then I have to go down for Sengkang's game which starts at 5 pm. Later which God knows where we're gonna eat.

And then a week of 'un-happening' things happened. Work, 3 days straight 11am-10pm. Mon, Tues, Wed.
Then class BBQ at pasir ris park but i have to be there by 12.30pm, just cause the damn receipt is under my name & ic. And then Father's/Birth day. Which leaves me Thurs and Fri free.God those digits.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Because i need you tonight more than i need anybody else.
Because i want to be right next to you, body, mind and soul.
Because i want to feel your touch against mine.
Because i want to hear your voice telling me that "I'll never go anywhere and I'll love you for all time".
Because i want to be where you are oh-so-fucking badly.
Because i want you to be my soundtrack of my love.
Because i want you to be my thunder.
Because i want to cry infront of you.
Because I want you now more than i want anybody else.
Because i need you now.

a visit to the past and present.

You know i can't exactly find the reasons why i had to take the escalator up to the skate park and just to see if you're there. But why the curosity? Because i hoped you'd be there anyway. Wan JB, it's no wonder how we our friendship is like this from lovers to friends i finally knew why all good things come to an end. But don't get me wrong at all please, you're a sweet favourite of my past. So even if our formalities are the punching of our knuckles, at least i know we're still acknowledging each other. And at least i know you're alive. You look swell today, and forever. So well i'll see you around somehow.

My love, i know the match sucked. The score was horrid, the injuries were painful to the muscle, the thought of having your term papers tomorrow onwards just have to top it all off. But have you ever realised that i'm and i'll be still here no matter what? You are so dear to me and i'd do anything to keep you and make you happy for that smile on your face is absolutely all i need to see. And even if you never ask, you know i still give. Because love is all about giving and receiving, and for you my love, i'm pouring all my love for you and only you.

(OK, i know the pics are crappy and corny. )