Achy breaky heart

My heart aches. 7,000km away and my heart still aches.

Even now

It's been so long since i last blogged I think. It's been a month and 3 days since my departure and so far I've been settling well in Brisbane. However I still don't feel happy. I know something is missing but I just can't figure what it is. It's like I hit a mid-21-year-old crisis.

Talk about missing, do you know what I really miss besides cheap food and worthy shopping? I miss every summer I spent in Singapore (though it is summer all year round), I miss those summer memories I had, I remember standing on the top of somewhere with the breeze running down my face and through my clothes without a care in the world. I miss that. I miss running wild and crazy, I miss not giving a damn and I miss my teenage dreams.

Till I post something sensible and penning down all my thoughts, I need to go chase away the possum up on my roof now.

That feeling of being lonely, is starting to sink in.

really

8 more days. :(

Tonight I wanted to know if everything will be ok, despite everything that we are and will be going through, but all I heard was, nothing.

I know myself well, I will move on and I will be strong, but not tonight, tonight, I just want to hang everything on the line and allow myself to cry, scream and get frustrated.

I was trying my hard to be very strong, but I think I lost it and I had to cry because I couldn't take it anymore. I am heavily upset and disappointed only to find out that the people I love the most don't wish to see me happy, but he makes me so happy because he can do it, no one else can come this close.

My mensis talking.

The thing I hate most about getting periods is that for that week of bottomless(literally) hell, I think and wonder alot more than I should. Like yesterday, throbbing around town and to Arab St and then home and then now on bed, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking ALOT. Some of the thoughts I think about annoy the crap out of me, but eventually it will diminish.

Today's tea and sheesha with Shafiq lasted for about 4 1/2 hours, just 2 people sitting at the back alley drinking a jug of iced cold turkish apple tea and smoking out double apple mint flavoured sheesha. Out of the entire time we were there, we kept quiet, the "i'm-deep-in-thought-and-i'll-soon-stone" kind of quiet. Well, I'm still thinking.

Remember this

Because I'll hold your hand and I'll hold you in my arms and whisper to you "Anything for you, till you get over this." I love you and i hope that is something to remind you that you've got someone to lean on to. You've been so hard on yourself but you don't realize how much more you have to offer, and sometimes people just don't see it. But I do.

Be honest

I love you, may nothing every change that.

-E

Thunder & Lightning

Watching how thunder and lightning clash from the corner of my bed is bewitching. I can just sit on my bed and stare at it from afar forever, it's so gorgeous. I can just NOT sleep and look at each instance go by till morning comes. Things like this that makes me forget what i was so upset, disappointed, unhappy, irritated or whatever about in the first place. But finally, tonight, it also feels a little cold too, (maybe it's just me) and it feels good too.

You'll always be my thunder.

And i hope that you don't forget the day we met, it changed history at least for you and me.

all hail here

my alter ego here:

fartforpeace.tumblr.com

visit if you prefer my words/feelings/thoughts/blank-stare-spaces in pictures

I love you. You love me. That's all that matters to me right now. You mean the world of me and I think the world of you. & there's no other way I would let it be, you complete me. :)

always

Always.

checking through a landslide

Today, my student told me that the only problem he had with English essays was putting his entire thoughts onto paper and structuring them despite having all the good points jotted down. Likewise with my blog posts sometimes, I have innumerable things I want to say, but penning them down here would be perplexed as well. The irony how humans can be that we can structure good essays but find the impossible with our emotions and feelings.

I was at Starbucks, people-watching, shoe-gazing and thinking, especially thinking. Thinking the entire day about the next month and a half, in a matter of weeks I will turn 21, and that's when life as we know it, would change forever. But in a month and a half, I would also be some 3800 miles, 6000km away from home and I had to think about the people whom I cherish with all my heart. One particular person that was undoubtedly repeatedly coming forth, was my boyfriend. The one who I love so dearly and the one I can share almost anything with.

I could never stop thinking about him and how both our lives would change forever. The thought of leaving him behind tears me apart and I know I would not be able to stop the tears that would fall down. So I allowed my thought process to run and just wonder.

If I have all the faith in the world to push me through whatever, I'm sure that love would do the same, good or bad. Even if disappointment would slap me in my face or my partner's, I know myself and eventually I will get back up. I remember this phrase that

"You're not gonna promise to each other that you will disappoint one another because at some point you will. What is important is you don't go away, you don't escape, you don't leave one another just because you were disappointed. That's the meaning of fidelity"

Track backing on my blog posts that I wrote for my boyfriend, I'm reminded of how hopeful I am and how much I would do to get this through. If anything were to ever happen, it will still be ok and no matter what, everything will be ok. I know for sure that I'm thankful for everyday the day we got together and that my heart beats for no one else but him ever since.

I'm beginning to think if there's a direction I'm going at with my post but whatever it is I love my boyfriend whole damn heartedly, and i swear no rich guys no goodlooking guys no kind guys no smart guys can ever match up to the wonderful guy he is to me. He is undoubtedly, with much consideration and no frivolous talk, the love of my life. I please that he holds onto this, that comewhat may, I’m his little hope, his little comfort and his little strength.

Till I post something again.

because i really really do

I really really do. And there is no denying that I think about you everyday, when i wake up, before i go to bed, when i shower, when i brush my teeth or even just by myself. I miss you so much that it hurts inside. :'(

3 cheers to 3 years

I graduated today as a happy child and 3 years in a school called Republic Poly, was and probably, one of the best times I would ever have in my life.

haha

Sometimes when I compare myself to other girls in the streets or that in magazines, this is how they look like.

But instead of looking like that, sometimes I think I look like this instead.

and then i'd be like

i feel like i'm....

Not good enough anymore. :'(

Good riddance

When people usually ask me "What's wrong?" I just say "nothing". Not because i don't want to tell them, but because my mind is filled with thousands and thousands of thoughts that i just don't know how to explain.

I have been hemming and hawing, pacing up and down my room for a good 45 minutes already, I just sat on my bed and sighed. Sighed long and thought hard about an inconvenient question that was thrown to me. Trust is one of the things that's hardest to earn but so easy to destroy and if that is not barren enough for you than I can show you. I wanted to sleep and catch a good long rest but the question posed kept ringing in my head and i hated it because the reality annoyed me off my emotions before I could even shut my eyes, hence at this hour, i am still awake.

For the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

-The Script.

that much

I do not care what people will say or think, as long as I am still around and you are standing next to me, we will make it through whatever. It's just me and you. Just us two. I love you that much. THAT MUCH.

You don't know how different you are to me

We were in the car, you were driving, I was looking out the window. I turned around and told you that I love you very very much and you smiled and told me you love me too, leaning forward, you kissed me and held my hand with the other hand on the steering wheel. I looked away, behind my shades, I teared.

You see, you don't know how special you are to me and how dearly I am holding on to you, you may not feel it from me and i don't show it, but I hold on tighter to you more than you can imagine. Don't you see? I want you. All i want is you and me always. I want to be yours more than anything. And I'm afraid, im scared that things might not turn out the way i want them to, the way we hope for it to be. Already I'm doing all I can to protect you from everything and anyone that could hurt us. I know that you know that something IS wrong even when I say I am ok or when i reply "nothing", so yes I lie, because I am protecting you from everyone and everything in my life that wants to do so.

Sometimes I ask myself what and why am i doing this, but like you told me before, you are the only exception. So just take my hand, we'll make it. I swear I'll try.

You don't deserve me then

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

what is important to you?

My mom turns on to the Japanese News Channel (NHK) every morning and every night. For those who do not not know, my mom was in Tokyo the day the earthquake and tsunami happened, however she came back to Singapore safely about 3 days later. But back to what I said about the news, i feel so useless whenever I hear or watch it and sometimes I loose my appetite. I call and email my family members and friends back in Japan every once in 3 days to make sure that everyone is doing safe and ok. However I still feel that it's not enough. Yes, they do need the money, the need fuel, they need food, they need water, they need warmth, they need our prayers and they need our love and shoulder to lean on. Japan has been my second home and it is what makes the other half of me in my blood.

Anyway, I was reading this on a news website about this person

Hideaki Akaiwa

No, he's not dead. But his story made me tear so much that my contacts came out. So here's the story, for most sane people, when a natural disaster coming at you, your brain develops the "fright and flight" nervous system naturally. You see danger coming to you, you run AWAY from it. Not for this man. This guy was at work when the 8.9 magnitude earthquake and tsunami hit his hometown in Ishinomaki, when he realized he could not get through his wife of 20 years, by phone or any communication device. He did not collapse into a foetal like position and cry, he did not freak out in hysteria . No, instead, he grabbed some used scuba gear, swim suit ignoring just about all the advice from professionals who told him to wait for the army to arrive to provide a posse for search and rescue, and then jumped into the raging torrent. Dodging cars, ships, houses and other debris like that may cause serious pain, in the frigidly cold water, undercurrents and torrential riptides, he just swam.

(Obviously not the idealic conditions to go scuba diving)

Swimming and swimming, he discovered his wife live on the upper level with only a small amount of breathing room, and sharing his respirator, pulled her out to safety. Now, if he had waited for the army, his wife of 20 years would be dead. He then went back for his mother.

Akaiwa, did not stop from after just saving his wife and mother. Riding around on a bicycle with his legs wrapped in plastic to keep himself dry. His only equipment – a pocketknife, a canteen, a flashlight, a change of clothes, medical supplies and a set of aviator sunglasses – packed into a trusty trio of backpacks, neighbours, friends and people he doesn't even know are unaccounted for. He still swims and rides around searching for survivors out there still.

When interviewed by a reporter, why he risked his life to save his wife, he simply answered "She is very important to me" through his interpreter.

I am still close to tears everytime i read his story. He is by far, one of my favorite warriors in history to date.

Anyway, i know i'm going to spoil the post by posting the next photo, but I'm starting to make this little guy with gloves and my sewing skills to give to my family and friends. Whatever it is, i'm sewing it with all my love and effort. It may not be enough but. This is for them, this is for my dad's home, this is for Japan.

being in your 20s

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh

A friend of a friend's told me that girls at our age, (I'm turning 21), are not really looking for stability in a man or in any relationship as a matter of fact and that education and money means squat to us. Maybe. But you see but being in your 20's, it is the stem cell of human development, the pluripotent moment when any of several outcomes is possible. Decisions and actions during this time have lasting ramifications. The 20s are when most people accumulate almost all of their formal education; when most people meet their future spouses and the friends they will keep; when most people start on the careers that they will stay with for many years. & This is when adventures, experiments, travels, relationships are embarked on with an abandon that probably will not happen again.


Btw, I love Winnie the Pooh, they're not just for kids, if you actually read the Book, and not those picture drawing ones, those that consist of 400-500 pages. You'll realize that, Winnie the Pooh, is not actually about kids. It's something deeper.

promise me the moon and stars

What are words if we don't really mean what we say most of the time? Sometimes it's hard to form a sentence when you're sad or even angry, because in the end, we don't meant what we said and we would kick ourselves and say "I shouldn't have said that". But what about those words when we say when we're in love, when we're happy or when you stand in the altar next to your spouse? Do we really mean what we say?

I once typed it somewhere "Don't make decisions when you're angry and don't make promises when you're happy". Anyone can tell it to your face under the moon and stars how people feel when they're in love or how pretty she/he looks and how'd you do anything to keep them right next to you, but you can't give them the moon and stars. I like to see the best and the goodness in people, yet some have said that is a fault of mine (isit?), but I really do, but when they look me in the eye and tell me promises, I wonder how and why are they promising me something that may just be another hollow one?

So next time, don't promise me the moon and stars,

damn it

It's past midnight and I'm leaving for a flight bound to HK at about 10am. I'm sitting in the dark with the laptop and one leg resting on the chair with my head resting on my knee. Alot has pretty much happened to me over the past few weeks and I have never enjoyed myself this much before. I still couldn't believe that it all happened to me. But with that, comes my unspoken thoughts, the ones that I will never tell anyone and keep it to myself and than to my bed.

I'm taking this HK trip as a getaway trip, although I pray to the Lord that it is a runaway trip where I won't have to look back. But really, I just feel like running away and just go forward and run to god knows where, doesn't have to be anywhere in mind, just as long as I keep running.

Till you see my ass and my quizzical thoughts again next week.

I have never been this happy and this sure before. (:

Everytime I log in to my blog, I always think I have something to post about, but then I'll stop and think hard if I should and then I always end up not posting anything in the end. Well it's been a month and a few days since I wrote my last post.

Anyway, I was really annoyed about something I read on the papers a few days back, and no it's not about the whole budget plan that the Government has planned out. But rather the world food prices that are rising up. I went to the supermarket the other day and saw on the shelves, lemons for 55cents each, packaged strawberries for $12-$18 each, a dozen of eggs for $2.15. That's pretty pricy for just food & that annoys me, then I went home thinking and cursing saying I should have gotten my stuff at the wet-market. But nooooo, I hate to wake up in the morning and drag my feet there. Even 9 and 10 is considered an early morning to me. I did a little analyzing and thinking that I should finally grow my own vegetables and fruits in a little green-house or kitchen of garden of mine. Although I see that I save plenty of money on groceries, patience does not buy me the time and patience is a virtue. So wise are the words that was once said "it's good to grow vegetables in your bag, you see your harvest at work". It will soon be applied on my own crops.

So look out for me, the next tree hugger and soil lover.

Life as we know it

I am pondering about my life this year over a cup of lipton tea at Macs and I'm trying my best to relate back to something if not anything. I'm trying to see if my teabag analogy on life still works but then I realize i have overcome that phase. (yea me.)

I don't think I have ever been this mellow about my life, but i'm also feeling the pins and needles once i stare into space as though i am trying to catch some spasm in the air reminding me that I still have reality sooner or later. It's 2011. At every day that I'm taking on, I feel something. Why i say 'something' instead of any inert feeling is because it ranges like a multiple choice option test. I'm beginning to fidget about in my seat as i try my best not to think of any possibility or what may just happen to me in the upcoming months ahead. I still say with gusto that I'm ready to come what may, yes yes, I am excited for life to unravel before me. But inside my hopes lie a little fear and inside that fear I know will lie an adventure.

I once posted on my Facebook this

"People said I've changed so much. Well, here's the honest truth, I grew up. I stopped letting people push me around all the time. I learned that you can't always be happy and lastly, I accepted reality."

And back, if you have read what I wrote so far, I am hence talking about anything in life in a gist. But inside my zest will always lie a fear, it's no use trying to tell people that I am confident and that I can overcome ANYTHING. That is just bollocksand a complete exaggeration. So there. This is life as I know it so far.