how do you love yet not feel like a piece of shit?

How do you love yet not feel like a piece of shit? My insanities have sure lead me to my own quagmire of doubt and uncertainty. I am exhausted off of my own emotions, I feel so much yet i can't seem to form a logical and proper sentence online, on the phone and on my mouth. So can somebody fucking pass me the torch? I've been a puppet to my own emotions. I'm sick and tired of trying to make things right yet feeling like a totoal piece of shit, in this case, i'm talking about giving up.

i miss you so much that it hurts.

I have have have to say this, although cleary i should be paying attention to other people's presentation. I can't. Because it kills me inside and i squirm and sigh with a faint heart. For i long this feeling. Ok so i was browsing through friendster and i came across a certain bulletin. Now i'm not someone who usually reads the bulletein from friendster but the message kinda got me.
The title was 'what every girl wants?'

But on another note, can somebody explain things to me? Because you have to pardon me for my ailing heart. I'm missing you so badly, more than before. And it does hurts to know that we're both standing on something so shallow, because we're so safe. And my question was so simple, either you want me or you don't? I know you want ample time to slowly get to know each other, and I should respect that. But forgive me again for I don't know why I'm acting this way.

I'm telling myself NOT to miss your nor to think about you, and i succeed each time. But when i walked out of class today, i smelt your cologne and i hurridly turned around to see if you could be here by surprise. But what was worst off was when i was alone on the way home, i couldn't help but think about you and slowly wonder to myself and count down the days till i see you again.

happy earth day

happy earth day y'all.

may peace be a question to us all.

And I thought what i did was correct, just because I was sure of it and i was affirmative. But no, the long bus journey had to made me pause. But no I had to make up mind right there and then. Well, maybe he'll get it right next time. Just maybe. But i am sorry if i treated you like a friend all along.

run people run

I think since i bring the lappy almost everyday for the next 3 years in poly. I think i'll be blogging more regularly then i'll ever be. And did i mention, how i think loosing weight is gonna be shit easy at school? Lunch is from 12 to 2.30, BUT, the ENTIRE and i mean the ENTIRE school is having lunch. So you can imagine more than a thousand students, running down to get grub. And there's no place to sit!

So i'm not the best artist in the world, and that tiny red dot is me, saying HELP. But trust me it's worst than the drawing itself. Mark me i say!

Yo drama.

I went for the first day of orientation, i skipped the second and the third. I think the class that i am in is pretty kinda ok? I haven't gotten to know everyone yet. But that's pretty cool. So far the names i remember start with R, P and A. 2 Malay, 1 Taiwanese. Hey, at least i remembered their names start with an Alphabet i remembered.

And just yesterday, over a sneak out I had out to Mt Faber Park, i realized i want to give up on so many things, for I am afraid it will slowly devour me causing unintentional hurtful emotions. These past few days, I know that i should give up what I'm doing. He suspects it, they know it, I should do it.

With my mind gently pressed at the speed of drama, i shall welcome it all. So welcome drama.

Ok i checked the time, 9.24.
Less then 12 hours, imma gonna be in my new school with new faces. To admit i'm freaking out. Silly erika. Why on earth is she freaking out on her firstd day of her poly life? BAHHHH. HALP! HALP!

I am now officially scared for my future.

how do you want me to love you?

Whilst walking towards prata house, i had a severe pain in my heart. It's when my chest started to tighten and my heart had this pain struck by some sort pause. Right there and then, i realized, i needed to cry. But how could i? I was walking from one traffic light to another. Sweet misery had to give me a fall in reality.
1. There is obviously something wrong in the relationship
2. So many people are trying to come inbetween.
3. Friends don't act like friends.
4. Friends and drama.
5. New school.
6. Frustrated and rather complicated me.

I just thought i had this all figured out. But no, i can NEVER Ever figure it out.

You'll never know true love till you get burned.
I could say it a hundred times over and think about it for the rest of my days but i am certain i can never quite accept it as a feeling i have to sit through.
It's like feeling hungry yet not having the appetite to consume and feeling sad but the eyes give no room for tears. Everything in front of me is just the exact opposite of how i may be feeling. Because till this very moment, i still cannot comprehend the true meaning of the emotions i have inside of me. I am everything you can ever think of all at once.

Capable of true love yet lost in an irony of lament.
(from amanda sue ann)

so then love, how do you want me to love you?