colorful monster where are you

She's screaming, he's fighting back, she's crying, and here i am feeling so numb.

As I sit back on my chair, and close my eyes and replayed every word she said to me, I breathed it all in but i sighed a relief that has never made me feel so empty right down to my tummy inside. And gently, i let the tears on my powdered cheeks wash away the color and let it fall on to the ground. -THUD- that horrid sound it makes cutting my every vein inside.

Mom, i'm glad you weren't there at the birthday dinner, my birthday dinner, because having you around, always kinda make things a little worst. And now i'm tearing inside because i regretted everything i said, and i wish i could take it all back. Here i am at 18, growing a little older, my brain getting a littler wiser. Yet I can't believe the words you lashed out on me to this day. It seems like i'll never be good enough for will, the flawless, perfect daughter that your other friends have, but did you know something? They're not that perfect too. Because you don't know every fucking lie that is kept inside, and one day if you hear the stories, think back and look back and you can tell yourself, 'thank god, she's alive'.

You use to be someone whom i look up too. You use to be someone i thought i might want to be. But no, i can't and i will never be. Because even I don't think you grew up to be that woman you want to be. So i ask, if you're really happy with yourself and where you're at now? Are you happy with your marraige? Are you happy with your kids? Are you happy with your life? Are you even proud of us? So I made a promise with myself, and a prayer with God, that when I grow up, I'll NEVER be like you and I'll NEVER be that person whom you want me to become.

Aunty Linda was right, when she told me that since birth, you guys didn't know how to handle and be the job of a 'parent'. Even till this day, you were never there when i got scared or when i needed help, even if you did ,you just yelled and screamed at me. You were never there to watch me perform in any of the dance fair or take pictures with me and the girls. You were never there to be by my side and cheer me on. Because of you, I thank God i went through hell. You were all that I could ever imagine and I hope to be, but you grew to be just another faceless identity to me.

So next week, you'll be flying off for yet another week and a half, don't call me, don't buy me anything, don't say a word, don't utter a breathe, don't look at me. Because even after you come back, i'll still hope that maybe one day you really come back for real this time and take a good look at yourself.

Then you can finally ask yourself, why the mess?

And with that, I wish you all the best, I'll be just fine, some how, some way. I'll be,
WITHOUT your help.
your daughter, erika.