I want the final blow

''Wherever you go, there you are''

Buckaroo Bonzai

Obviousness i know.

I still can't erase today and i know i can't chuck it somewhere in the back or the corner of my mind. I'm still having a few butterflies in my belly. I still can remember the way it was.

• Rushed home, stopped halfway dead on my tracks to discover i was panting and breathing in an uncomfortable way.
• I felt uncomfortable.
• Bathed, changed. Took almost about an hour cause i repeatedly change outfits cause i was asking my sister to judge.
• Grabbed whatever i could. I took a bus and i went down to meet ______.
• Had a mohawk, 2 nipple piercings, a tatoo. 1 accomplishment for an 18 year old i respect.
• Had alot on my mind. Bumped into many people.
• Watched 'death-note'. Thoughts were interupted during a commercial because of err something.
• Loved the movie. Didn't like the position i was sitting on. Too fidgety. Tummy rummbled. But i wasn't hungry.
• SOOOO MANY people called and texted while i was watching

I don't know how to summarise it all, bits and pieces are missing but that's what i can think of in general. The movie was wonderfully directed. I very much adored it. Gawd im so proud of my japanese culture. [:

I guess i'm confused, but i'm mumbling to myself, close to chanting, 'I'm sorry you like me. I'm sorry but i don't want to know what the end will be. I'm sorry you were just a friend'. I can't belive im trembling now, because im scared. I will have to fib, but i know it's a sin and i shouldn't. But i'll say from this start, i'm sorry i HAVE to lie. I know i will be living a lie, it's stupid enough. Knowing that at the end of the roads i will gain will be nothing, it's gonna hurt me one way. Believe me. I guess by now you want the answers to all the questions you've been asking. If you just read my blog once more and see this, i know i have so much explanation to do. But what you are about to see and hear is probably just gonna shut you off from me. I'll be wishing soon that i can have things down the better way. I'll be sorry to you.
You can hate me and if you'll ever want me out of your life, i'll be more than happy to. Right now i'm crying like some mad fuck.