ghost

About 3 years ago, I saw my then-boyfriend, dead in my tracks, out on a date with one of my good friends in town. Choosing not to believe it, I walked away and partied my ass of that night.

On the day of New Year's, to 'kick' it off, I broke up with him and I have never looked back since.

You'r as as good as a ghost to me.

bring it on

Christmas came in TOO early and left way TOO quick this year. Before that it was FYP exhibition showcase, and I don't know why but part of this is to blame why it sucked most of the joy out. Bummer.

So soon it will be new years, and then it means 2011. The year where I must say that it is THE year, the year where everything changes. 2010 left me with some bittersweet memories albeit parts where I want to walk over people's faces. So to 2011 that will be coming,

BRING IT ON.

time

Another 11 more days to Christmas. 17 more days to New Years. It's snowing FYP almost everyday. BUT, 4 more days till FYP exhibition, 5 more days till you come back. Wow. Look at those numbers.

CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND?

‎"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've happened...or you can leave the pieces on the floor and MOVE THE FUCK ON."

-Tupac

still happening

Being smart and being academically inclined are 2 very different things.

I've been trying to keep up with you for so long now and i know that i'll be at least 10 steps behind you no matter what I do or how hard I try. You always say that "You're different. You're different and unlike the rest" Yea and you are right to say that, because I am different. I took a step back and analyze you and your friends, and face it, I don't fit in at all.

Every time I try, you belittle me over the very same fact and I don't understand why we can never see eye to eye about it. You still make me cry all the time. I get it that I'm not that academically inclined as you but do you know what goes through my mind all the time when I say all these things to you? That you probably think whatever I say will just backfire and that my words are too over-rated and too simple-minded for you because I can't seem to say any smart stuff that would be of real helpfulness at all. Whatever ok.

I don't like it when you say "it's for your own good" or "because I care", but how do you know what is good enough for me? and how well do i know that your intentions to "care" are not out of competency? I hate all this ranking shit.

IF i'm not smart for you, then fine whatever.

fuck this shit

-edited-

'nuff said. Indeed I do NOT need this shit from you. so FUCK THIS OK? Your fucking words,

i will no longer buy for they are as worthless as you deem your love to be priceless.

King? Checkmate.

I cannot wait for Thursday and then Friday and then the weekend to come. Most of all, I cannot wait for Thursday because that's when I'll get some of the answers my heart has been yearning for. ( Also because Arts Facilities Management UT will be over and I'll also know if my Portfolio has been accepted hence I would jump for joy shouting "Good Riddance. With everything that has been going the opposite direction right now, why can't I be satisfied for a while?)

what gives?

Every possible thing that could go wrong today went wrong, and it is already bad enough that I want to start doing my work now. I'll find the strength to later but just not now.

I don't know if I was right or if I was wrong, if you were right or if you were wrong whatever, I gave up being mad, because staying mad at someone will melt like snow, fast, but arriving to the state of feeling hurt is the most destructive feeling ever. In the end ultimately what the most upset feeling is knowing that you would never 'fight' for this to work out. Hence that is why i feel like if i was that fucking stupid to believe in everything? You see it didn't matter to me anymore, the whole pointless drama of who did what and who was in the wrong or what happened. I merely wanted to know if you still 'care' and if you have ever given any thought about it at all. Being able to take it along with my stride was also being wise enough to be able to look past all this. That you were still that person who came to my life and knows how to make me smile.

Everyone around me was right to say that you were just a damn young punk who doesn't know anything and i should have known better and for myself. How foolish am I to have only believed in you and onto something that we shared. I was there just like how I was for any other good friend whom I really treasured, but I would have NEVER thought that you would turn around and hurt me like this. You won't reply to my texts and calls, you won't even talk to me on msn or on facebook, infact, you completely ran away and ignored me. And fuck this ok.

I think you're a faggot for running away from problems instead of fighting them. You can't even tell me how sorry you are without even having to take a look at me I'll bet, although I can only applaud and laugh at your inane acts. I admit I have some barbaric thoughts in my head to chasten away your ego but I weigh out the thoughts and thought "ahhh fuck that, you're STILL just a kid".

No matter how infuriated I may be, I still want to settle this, because I was taught to be a lady and handle this oh so fucking graciously. In your case, talk first, slap later.

YOU JUST MADE ME SO PISSED SO FUCKING PISSED. AND I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS PISSED WITH ANYONE BEFORE.

Not only did you dare lie behind my back, you did it right infront of me and DENIED every single fact. I thought I could trust you and i actually let you in and i was there for you at every single down-turn of your life. BUT you played me like a fool and indeed i was the fool who vowed to be there for you NO MATTER what. You make me so sick that I cannot bear to even say your name.

I am so mad at you right now because I let you hurt me this way.

smile

I don't know why the hell i uploaded a photo of myself. I'm not trying to tell the world that I am a self proclaimed narcissist. But since it's there, i'll just let it stay there. That photo was however was taken by a friend (last 2 weeks ago) that needed to be submitted to see if i fit the role as a "mother" for some film.

Anyway, just looking at myself and I realize quite somethings. All girls will always admit one or more flaw about themselves, and I too can count them with my fingers and toes. I get intimidated by very pretty looking girls on Facebook and it fills up my head with a sundry of "I wish...". You can blame it on the media for setting up "invisible standards" on how girls should look like and that for a matter of fact, is stupid and fucked up.

But i know that EVERYONE looks so pretty when they smile. (:

So this is it. The final semester. Only this time, it hurts more.

Everyone has big dreams and aspirations, goals and wishes in life, and i hope that it will lead you to where you want to go to. The first day of the last semester starts tomorrow, and as much as i look forward to class and graduating with everyone, i am terribly scared to take another step down. Every moment in school will be a memory kept in my heart, I'm not prepared at all to leave Singapore next year, because i know i will be leaving so many things behind. Hence you will understand why i've always said that I am so afraid of the future. You can't lie to me and say "Fret not." Because everyone is scared of the future.

5-7 years down the road now, i can't see where will i be or what i will be doing, time has flown by so fast and i can only wish, why didn't i spent it much harder and better? This is my final year and semester, I'm sure it will finish off with a bang, and we'll shine like the stars and be called the next "legends".

not good enough.

If i couldn't be perfect or if i couldn't be the best, i want to be at least good enough, and maybe second best. I am not one that is in the idea for competitions, I don't see the point at all. If competing against someone for the job, for the work, for the food, or for your life is what you like to do, then ok, whatever. I don't see why life should be a competition when i'm living at my own pace. I wouldn't want to compete with anyone to die faster or first. (whatever for, seriously)

Just like this university options that I'm going through right now, it hurts to hear people say that "I don't think you're good at this.." or "You didn't take that in secondary school and you took a slight touch on in Poly.." or "You won't pass that subject". Am I really that bad?

And it sucks, because the people i thought love me the most, were the ones that actually said those words to me. And I didn't get a chance to even say "I'll try?" Or was that not considered an option?

not good enough.

If i couldn't be perfect or if i couldn't be the best, i want to be at least good enough, and maybe second best. I am not one that is in the idea for competitions, I don't see the point at all. If competing against someone for the job, for the work, for the food, or for your life is what you like to do, then ok, whatever. I don't see why life should be a competition when i'm living at my own pace. I wouldn't want to compete with anyone to die faster or first. (whatever for, seriously)

Just like this university options that I'm going through right now, it hurts to hear people say that "I don't think you're good at this.." or "You didn't take that in secondary school and you took a slight touch on in Poly.." or "You won't pass that subject". Am I really that bad?

And it sucks, because the people i thought love me the most, were the ones that actually said those words to me. And I didn't get a chance to even say "I'll try?" Or was that not considered an option?

wtf for

I am doing all that I can to keep it right and to keep everything positive.

But it's so fucking exhausting and frustrating.

we are probably looking on the same side of the moon

"I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon"

-"Same side of the moon" C.May

The silence IS really overbearing, I never could have imagined not talking to you, whenever we fought I would not even want to talk to you for one day, but in those minutes, I could not take the silence and i wanted to talk to you so badly but i did it just to make you miserable.However we just got cut down by something of the norm, in this case, army. And this is more horrid then i thought it would be.

You can never imagine how it hurts, how we use to meet each other at anytime of the day and so surely certain that when the phone rings, it's always either one of us waiting on the other line. But not anymore. And not for another a few years.

I remembered that day a few weeks back, you tried hard to smile and you told me that i should stay happy no matter what and that your book out day would be sooner than i thought. When you last kissed me good-bye and ran to the "sacred parade ground", i wanted to say so much to you and hold you back and wish for a second that you never ever had to leave me for a day. Well you left, and i did not want to look back, and that was because you also told me not to.

Now all i have to keep me moving on are our photos and texts, your soccer jerseys and your jacket, we barely get to talk sometimes and I send messages to you but i only realize that you will read it after a long time.

Stef, i really really miss you so much. Hurry home please.

the way you were

"If perfect is what you're looking for, then just stay the same"-Bruno Mars 'The Way You Are'

I do get insecure and i do feel like a little pea when I see such pretty and gorgeous girls out on blogs, facebook, and tumblr. And that always make me feel like I'm second best.

where are you

This may come as a shock but I'm looking for a boy I met 4 years ago.

He is average height, a chocolate tan brown, with the most friendliest eyes and a sweet smile. He lives at Bedok and is usually dressed in a shirt and long black jeans and a pair of skating shoes.

He took something from me and I want it back.

He took away, my memory.

-E

Pony

"You hold your head up to the sky, you say "what kind of blue are you, are you?" "Erin McCarley-Pony

What if everything was defied? The conscious in me keeps spinning, just like the world, both keeps spinning madly on. I don't like submissions, in particular, for my FYP report and my PD documents, I dread, no, I abhor it very much. However, like the million things that run through my conscious, it's one of the 7832 things I need to do.

God how the hell can I still maintain my put together-ness yet be completely everywhere in my conscious.

it didn't rain on my parade, it rained after I packed up and left.

I'm pretty sure I haven't blogged for the longest of time. DUH. Anyway, ICTM is done but FYP is NOT. My birthday just passed. Oh speaking of my birthday, I really had a sweet one this year. I was given the biggest surprise in class, and no not in the good "happy birthday" surprise but in the "shit bad news" surprise.

I got an email that was with regards to an ICTM delegate complaint of the bus situation, and being the kan-chiong spider, i was pretty much "wtf, like that still want to complain" so the meeting was held at the conference room and guess what.

SURPRISE, ERIKA GOT PUNKED ON HER BIRTHDAY. The email created was entirely fake, Noor, with his beautiful and creative mind crafted it and i was 100% sold by it! They surprise me with 2 plates of maple syrup waffles with an ice-cream serving each, god knows how long they waited for me! But i was deeply touched and moved by this surprise to mark off especially the last one celebrated IN school. (:

Hugs, kisses, love, kudos to all who made it super memorable, my family, stef, my school-mates, my friends, my not so close friends. [:

On another note, school has been swell, drama still happens, my school life is becoming more interesting than my life outside of school. I don't know if that's good or bad. But sometimes I still ask myself the same question I asked in secondary school, but why can't we get along and why can't we all be friends? ):

Alright I'm pretty much done with my talking. I'll blog, as soon as I finish with PD which is like forever.

body contours

I just realize how I like to

-shampoo my hair with honey
-soak and shampoo hair with beer
-massage hair scalp with olive oil
-massage hair scalp and then wrap in towl with smashed banana
-exfoliate body with used tea-bags
-soak 2 teabags or 2 cotton pad deeped in cold milk and rest it on my eyes

I actually like these home theraputic stuff for my body and hair and eyes. And it actually works ok! I've been doing it for almost 3 years now. And I quite like the smell of my hair after it is deeped into beer. (:

I thought I'd still be in extreme pain. But I feel nothing. I'd like some more nothing.

something so spectacular

You can't expect me to ever forget that easily can you? How could I when you were the start of something new. That day when I walked out of the gates of Sentosa, you and I could have been spectacular.

everything i knew finally became impossible

You want to be different? Then fine, go and get lost and run free with your brain and your heart, wherever it may lead you . I don't care, I want to stop fighting, I want to finally be able to do something for myself and fight for it and know that i actually fought for something worthwhile. You can get lost wherever you want to, you can be with whoever you like. You and your messed up NUS dazzled brain. I got 2 words consistently that i can sincerely say,

"FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF"

frail

It took me just one song to realize everything and what can eventually happen.

your cheap trick

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me

I swear, I'll forever hold every memory.

what i wouldn't give

I don't exactly know what to say or to do now. You always single-hand me out and say that "....of all the people I should understand..." yea i thought so too, but it looks like I guessed wrong and you put the heavy weight expectation all on me. We can never agree on the same thing. You are too defensive for my nature. You don't realize sometimes the stuff you say or do can hurt someonelse. You always insist you're right and you can never take criticism.

I didn't think and I am sure that I don't really expect much from you at all. I do tell you stuff, but it's only because I care and I do want the best for and out of you. And so now I tell you this, out of all the people I know, I thought YOU would understand and you would care. But I'm proven wrong this time round, that there may be other people out there who do care about me more than you do.

"You see sculptors and painters said that to paint a head, you have to give up the whole figure. To paint a leaf, you'd probably have to sacrifice the landscape. Likewise I, it did seem that I limit myself out alot of things but after a while I realize that if i had a quater of a something, I'd slowly have a better chance of holding on to a cerain feeling of the universe rather than the sky. But with you, I didn't choose a head or a leaf, I chose you and to hold on to that feeling, I sacrificed the world." -From Unknown.

The list keeps growing every week, doesn't it? From 7 to 24 to 30 to 36 to a 45. Yes, 45, and it's the 45 things that I hate so much about you. You make me cry, you make me sick in the stomach and worst of all sometimes you actually hurt me.

Because it dawned upon me that same day when I tip-toed and smack you a kiss on your cheek that you could finally be my saving grace for my future life's mistakes. However, halfway down the course, I could only realize that it took me countless stepts stupidity that you are clearly the best thing for me. You are that sort of person you see, who can make me list down the 25 things I hate most about you, but the last reason falls back for the rest of the 24,

"25th reason: I hate how you can still make me love you and you can still love me back in return"

Throughout this 1 year and 10 months, I can only come to one sole conclusion, which I'm sure I have said this to you before, that God loves us, and me so much that He gave you to me. (:

Blessed CNY to one and all! (:

may angels lead you in

It's just only yesterday when you wrote on my FB wall "Would you date Erika Shimada if she was single" And you strongly put "No". It's only about last week or so you yelled out "Japanese" and gave me that cheeky smile of yours. I barely knew you for a year and having a someone not that close to you but you talk to them and tease you, it's like something from my memory just got removed and it just feels...

I just want to say that you've been a swell classmate, and a wonderful friend to those who knew you and kept you closely in their hearts. But now that you're somewhere else, I hope you don't forget to remember us and remember me. (: This post is specially dedicated for you Valerie. (The girl on the left hand side of the photo)

Population size of 127,076,183 vs 1 girl.

I made a vow to you like silly love-sick idiots to love you and to be true to you, yet I find myself breaking that promise to you and what hurts is to know that it makes you cry and that it hurts you. But with every mistake I make, you can never find ways to let me go. & that is why I decided that I should stick by you, stick by that someone who has stood by me even when I was in the wrong. Someone who stood by me when everything was at its worst doubts. And most definitely someone who stood by me and loved me in every way.

10 million fireflies cannot be compared to the color of your eyes

I want one of this cool looking gadgets in my room. (:

Blackberry BOO!

I remember I made up some analogy that

"It's not you chooses the machine, it's the machine that chooses you"

Soo Deepak Chopra. But whatever. I think technology is just not for everyone, especially for idiots like me who makes up such analogies. You see, I had my BB bold since the beginning of April, 2009, and I have gone back and forth to the network provider carping about the phone, and the replies are always the same. "The software is the issue." which is a line I have heard over and again and hence, I hold on to my 5th BB bold in less then 1 year! That bad I tell you. That bad.

So anyway, Daddy just celebrated his birthday last week and Aunt Pauline made the most darling cake everrrr! If there can be a shoe porn and bag porn in my collection of thoughts, I can defitnetly squeeze in dessert porn! Here's dad's birthday cake for you.

I think I'll be removing the tagboard and I'll just let anyone leave a comment at every post. Hassle-free!

So what? I'm still a student.

I don't believe in keeping or making new year's resolutions because sometime halfway through the year, people will tend to forget them. They put it all down on this paper, and then on their fridge, or diary, or wall or mirror. But I guess better advances, computer now. Then it'll start to grow crisps and tears on the edges of this paper, then later, people will throw it away or, easy said, forgotten. So that's why I don't answer people when they ask me what is my new year's resolution. And that's why I take great interest in humans and how we all think and react to everything. So interesting.

Well, glad for those who feel happy that 2010 is already here. But I've been of to a quizzical start. The hour hand that stroke 12 on 31st Dec, I didn't felt any sort of 2010 breeze on my skin. Nope. No magical spray dust. No magical airy feeling. I simply felt nothing. Because what I could only think of was "Oh God, I'm turning 20 this year. & Oh god, I'm actually going to be a 3rd year sophmore student." I don't think, I KNOW that there will be changes this year. But this changes that I'm talking about, are going to alter the course in life. My life, rather. I'll keep my airy optimisitc and soon to be realistic head afloat. I'm scared, I really am. It's this year that is what keeps me in dismay and also what I fear most. But hey, I'm scared most of the times, even when everyone else thinks I'm always the brave one.

OH WELLS. I'll give an apprehensive cheer for this year. Whee.

One fav. author